Domestic Violence: Freedom Gives Hope, Hope Gives Freedom

Recognizing abuse can give you skills to successfully interact with a narcissist. Verbal abuse is emotional abuse.
Verbal Abuse
by Kerby Anderson
Introduction
Most everyone has heard of or knows someone who has been verbally abused. Perhaps you are involved in a verbally abusive relationship. It is possible that no one knows your circumstances. Verbal abuse is a kind of battering which doesn’t leave evidence comparable to the bruises of physical battering. You may be suffering in silence and isolation.
In this article, I want to tackle this very important issue in an effort to understand this phenomenon and provide answers. Like any area of human action, it begins in the mind and heart. Proverbs 23:7 says, “For as he thinks within himself, so he is.” What a person thinks in his mind and heart will be reflected in his words and actions.
Verbal abuse is more difficult to see since there are rarely any visible scars unless physical abuse has taken place. It is also less visible simply because the abuse often takes place in private. The victim of verbal abuse lives in a gradually more confusing realm. In public, the victim is with one person. Privately, the abuser becoms a completely different person.
Frequently the perpetrator of verbal abuse is male and the victim is female, but not always. There are many examples of women who are quite verbally abusive. For the sake of simplicity of pronouns in this program, I will identify the abuser as male and the victim as female.
One of the first books to describe verbal abuse was Patricia Evan’s book The Verbally Abusive Relationship.{1} She interviewed forty verbally abused women ages 21 to 66. Most of the women had left a verbally abusive relationship. We will use some of the characteristics and categories of verbal abuse these women describe in this book.
Another important book in understanding verbal abuse describes ”crazymaking.” George Bach and Ronald Deutsch wrote Stop! You’re Driving Me Crazy {2} and describe what crazymaking feels like including feeling “temporarily thrown off balance,” “lost and not knowing where to turn,” and “being caught off guard.”
A victim is often the target of angry outbursts, sarcasm, or cool indifference. The abuser’s reaction to these actions is frequently cloaked in a “What’s wrong with you?” attitude. She is accused of “making a mountain out of a molehill.” Over time she loses her equilibrium and begins to wonder if she is the one who is crazy.
The key to healing is to recognize verbal abuse and begin to take steps to stop it and bring healing. Since the abuser is usually in denial, the responsibility for recognizing verbal abuse often rests with the partner.
Characteristics of Verbal Abuse
Now I will focus on some of the characteristics of verbal abuse as outlined in The Verbally Abusive Relationship.{3}
1. Verbal abuse is hurtful and usually attacks the nature and abilities of the partner. Over time, the partner may begin to believe that there is something wrong with her or her abilities. She may come to feel that she is the problem, rather than her partner.
2. Verbal abuse may be overt (through angry outbursts and name- calling) or covert (involving very subtle comments, even something that approaches brainwashing). Overt verbal abuse is usually blaming and accusatory, and consequently confusing to the partner. Covert verbal abuse, which is hidden aggression, is even more confusing to the partner. Its aim is to control her without her knowing.
3. Verbal abuse is manipulative and controlling. Even disparaging comments may be voiced in an extremely sincere and concerned way. But the goal is to control and manipulate.
4. Verbal abuse is insidious. The partner’s self-esteem gradually diminishes, usually without her realizing it. She may consciously or unconsciously try to change her behavior so as not to upset the abuser.
5. Verbal abuse is unpredictable. In fact, unpredictability is one of the most significant characteristics of verbal abuse. The partner is stunned, shocked, thrown off balance by her mate’s sarcasm, angry jab, put-down, or hurtful comment.
6. Verbal abuse is not a side issue. It is the issue in the relationship. When a couple is having an argument about a real issue, the issue can be resolved. In a verbally abusive relationship, there is no specific conflict. The issue is, the abuse and this issue is not resolved. There is no closure.
7. Verbal abuse expresses a double message. There is incongruence between the way the abuser speaks and his real feelings. For example, he may sound very sincere and honest while he is telling his partner what is wrong with her.
8. Verbal abuse usually escalates, increasing in intensity, frequency, and variety. The verbal abuse may begin with put-downs disguised as jokes. Later other forms might surface.
Sometimes the verbal abuse may escalate into physical abuse, starting with “accidental” shoves, pushes, and bumps.These are a few characteristics of verbal abuse. Next we will look at some of the categories of verbal abuse.{4}
Categories of Verbal Abuse
1. Withholding. A marriage requires intimacy and intimacy requires empathy. If one partner withholds information and feelings, then the marriage bond weakens. The abuser who refuses to listen to his partner denies her experience and leaves her isolated.
2. Countering. This is the dominant response of the verbal abuser who sees his partner as an adversary.
He is constantly countering and correcting everything she says and does. Internally he may even be thinking, “How dare she have a different view!”
Countering is very destructive to a relationship because it prevents the partner from knowing what her mate thinks about anything. Sometimes the verbal abuser will cut off discussion in mid-sentence before she can finish her thought.
In many ways, he cannot even allow her to have her own thoughts.
3. A third category of verbal abuse is discounting. This is like taking a one hundred-dollar item and reducing its price to one cent.
Discounting denies the reality and experience of the partner and is extremely destructive. It can be a most insidious form of verbal abuse because it denies and distorts the partner’s actual perception of the abuse.
4. Verbal abuse disguised as jokes. Although his comments may masquerade as humor, they cut the partner to the quick. The verbal jabs may be delivered crassly or with great skill, but they all have the same effect of diminishing the partner and throwing her off balance.
5. Blocking and diverting. The verbal abuser refuses to communicate, establishes what can be discussed, or withholds information. He can prevent any possibility of resolving conflicts by blocking and diverting.
6. Accusing and blaming is another form. A verbal abuser will accuse his partner of some wrongdoing or some breach of the basic agreement of the relationship. This has the effect of diverting the conversation and putting the other partner on the defensive.
7. Judging and criticizing. The verbal abuser may judge his partner, and then express his judgment in a critical way. If she objects, he may tell her that he is just pointing something out to be helpful, but in reality he is expressing his lack of acceptance of her.
These are just a few of the categories of verbal abuse. Next we will look at a number of other forms of verbal abuse.

Other Forms of Verbal Abuse
Trivializing can also be a form of verbal abuse. It is an attempt to take something said or done and make it insignificant. When this is done in a frank and sincere manner, it can be difficult to detect. Often the partner becomes confused, believes she hasn’t effectively explained to her mate how important certain things are to her.
Undermining is also verbal abuse. The abuser not only withholds emotional support, but also erodes confidence and determination. The abuser often will squelch an idea or suggestion just by a single comment.
Threatening is a classic form of verbal abuse. He manipulates his partner by bringing up her biggest fears. This may include threatening to leave or threatening to get a divorce. In some cases, the threat may be to escalate the abuse.
Name-calling can also be verbal abuse. Continually calling someone “stupid” because she isn’t as intelligent as you or calling her a “klutz” because she is not as coordinated can have a devastating effect on the partner’s self esteem.
Verbal abuse may also involve forgetting. This may involve both overt and covert manipulation. Everyone forgets things from time to time, but the verbal abuser consistently does so. After the partner collects herself, subsequent to being yelled at, she may confront her mate only to find that he has “forgotten” about the incident. Some abusers consistently forget about the promises they have made which are most important to their partners.
Ordering is another classic form of verbal abuse. It denies the equality and autonomy of the partner. When an abuser gives orders instead of asking, he treats her like a slave or subordinate.
Denial is the last category of verbal abuse. Although all forms of verbal abuse have serious consequences, denial can be very insidious because it denies the reality of the partner. In fact, a verbal abuser could read over this list of categories and insist that he is not abusive.That is why it is so important for the partner to recognize these characteristics and categories since the abuser is usually in denial. Thus, the responsibility for recognizing verbal abuse and doing something about it often rests with the partner.

Notes
1.Patricia Evan, The Verbally Abusive Relationship. Holbrook, MA: Adams Media Corporation, 1996.
2.George Bach and Ronald Deutsch, Stop! You’re Driving Me Crazy. New York: Putnam’s Sons, 1980.
3.Evans, 81-84.
4.Ibid., 85-104.
5.http://www.probe.org/docs/falguilt.html

form more information visit: Narcistic Abuse at www.narcissisticabuse.com/verbal-and-emotional-abuse