Because of You

"Because of You" By Reba McEntire and Kelly Clarkston

This song still brings tears to my eyes all these years later to remember the pain and fear of living in a domestic violence marriage, but at least I can now listen to it without butterflies and fear building in my stomach. 

Dedicated to all us of women who are SURVIVORS!!!!

Concrete Angel

"Concrete Angel": By Martina McBride

Help stop child abuse one call at a time, one child at a time. 

Childhood Emotional Abuse and Male Alcoholism

Science News

... from universities, journals, and other research organizations

Childhood Emotional Abuse Dramatically Strong Among Male Alcohol-Dependent Individuals

Feb. 5, 2013 — Individuals who drink excessively or are alcohol dependent (AD) have reduced central serotonergic neurotransmission, which can have an impact on planning, judgment, self-control, and emotional regulation. Childhood maltreatment has also been found to have a negative impact on central serotonergic neurotransmission. A new evaluation of the impact of childhood maltreatment on central serotonergic dysfunction in AD individuals has found that self-reported childhood emotional abuse is associated with a 90-percent reduction in central serotonergic neurotransmission in male AD individuals.

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Results will be published in the May 2013 issue of Alcoholism: Clinical & Experimental Research and are currently available at Early View.
"We know that reduced central serotonergic neurotransmission may also be involved in anxiety and depressive disorders, impulsivity, and sleep disorders," said Kristina J. Berglund, associate professor at the University of Gothenburg as well as corresponding author for the study. "It is not known how long these behavioral effects last, but it is possible that reduced central serotonergic neurotransmission may recover after several years of abstinence from alcohol."
"The 'size' or 'capacity' of the serotonin system has for a long time been associated with temperament and behavior," added Lars Oreland, a professor emeritus in the department of neuroscience at the University of Uppsala. "Generally, a low serotonergic capacity has been associated with lower impulse control and higher degree of aggressiveness. Low capacity can either be of advantage where risk-taking or extraversion is beneficial, or a disadvantage involving an increased risk of antisocial behaviour, drug abuse, vulnerability for depression, and alcoholism."
Oreland said that a low serotonergic capacity can be the result of mainly two factors: genetic inheritance and the environment. "When those two factors interact, the result is greater than just addition," he said. "Several studies indicate that environmental factors affect the activity of genes, irreversibly in the individual, by so called epigenetic mechanisms. This means that chemical groups are attached to the DNA, or other components of the chromosome, as an effect of life-events, especially early ones. Early adverse life events or chronic stress might induce such mechanisms by way of an effect of increased levels of the stress hormone, cortisol."
"This is the first study to look at the effects of central serotonergic dysfunction of both AD and childhood maltreatment in humans," noted Berglund.
She and her colleagues recruited 18 adult men with an AD diagnosis from outpatient treatment units. Central serotonergic neurotransmission was assessed by a prolactin response to the selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor citalopram. Childhood maltreatment was assessed retrospectively through use of the Childhood Trauma Questionnaire (CTQ).
"We found that self-reported maltreatment, particularly emotional abuse, is associated with a dramatic reduction -- 90 percent -- in central serotonergic neurotransmission in male AD individuals," said Berglund. "Emotional abuse was defined according to the established and often used CTQ, and includes verbal insults and derogatory words such as lazy, ugly, and stupid."
"The authors have used a reliable method for estimating serotonin capacity, the prolactine hormone in the blood," said Oreland. "This simple but very clever approach by the authors was also a more sensitive method than previously used, which might better reflect serotonergic capacity in brain areas with a greater sensitivity for decrease/damage, possibly due to epigenetic effects, that have been induced by adverse life events."
Both Berglund and Oreland were surprised by the dramatic nature of the findings.
"Such a dramatic effect, or rather, a high order of magnitude of early adverse life events, is indeed almost shocking," said Oreland. "It is tempting to speculate that the method used by the authors happened to pinpoint the exact spot where hormonal, here prolactine, regulation and central serotonin sensitivity for childhood maltreatment converge on a certain area in the brain."
"It is already known that childhood trauma may increase the risk for various psychiatric disorders, including AD, and that dysfunction in central serotonin neurotransmission may also increase the risk for psychiatric disorders," said Berglund. "The contribution of our findings is that there seems to be a strong relationship between childhood trauma and dysfunctional serotonin neurotransmission in AD individuals. While the mechanism behind this relationship is still unknown, it would be wise for a clinician to assess for possible childhood trauma since the combination of childhood trauma and excessive alcohol intake seems to be extremely deleterious for brain."
Both Berglund and Oreland noted the small number of patients in this study and recommended future research. "It would be interesting to examine how the combination of childhood maltreatment and genetic constitution on central serotonergic function might lead to the development of a certain type of alcoholism, as there are several ways of classifying alcoholism," said Oreland.

Narcissism and Envy

 

Science News

... from universities, journals, and other research organizations

 

Connection Between Narcissism and Envy Explained

Feb. 12, 2013 — Understanding the relationship between narcissism and envy may provide some insight into sudden outbursts of aggressive behavior. Narcissism has long been associated with envy in the field of psychology, but an Iowa State study provides new evidence about that connection.

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Zlatan Krizan, assistant professor of psychology at Iowa State University, said his research shows most narcissists, because of their inflated sense of superiority, are not likely to feel envy.
"They really buy into their own fantasy," Krizan said. "If you think you're the greatest, it makes sense that you wouldn't envy others because everybody is beneath you, so there's nothing to envy. It's really the vulnerability that predicts envy and it predicts it very, very strongly."
The study, published in the Journal of Personality, disputes existing theories that suggest envy is a core characteristic for those who are self-absorbed, arrogant and exploitive. Krizan said his work helps to better define the different dimensions of narcissism -- what psychologists refer to as grandiose and vulnerable narcissism. Those who are more vulnerable show stronger feelings of envy.
"Narcissism is a more multi-faceted construct than we believe," Krizan said. "I think that's an important point, because this public image of narcissism that most people have of this grandiose, dramatic individual is only one side of the coin."
Krizan and Omesh Johar, a graduate student at Iowa State, surveyed nearly 200 undergraduate students and more than 150 adults to identify their feelings of envy and the frequency. Those identified as vulnerable had low self-esteem, were often distraught, anxious and depressed.
"These individuals still think they're special, entitled, and they want to be great, but they just can't do it," Krizan said. "As a result they're vulnerable, their self-esteem fluctuates a lot, they tend to be self-conscious and not very proactive, but passive, shy, and introverted."
When the feeling of envy is added to the mix, Krizan said it can be a potentially dangerous combination. Though vulnerable narcissists are not as overt in their behavior, they may be more prone to unexpected outbursts of aggression.
"It's these vulnerable individuals who are in some sense more worrisome because they are quiet, sort of festering in anger out there in a corner. And it's just a matter of time before they get frustrated and lash out and verbally assault somebody, maybe even an innocent party, because of some provocation that they felt," Krizan said.
This becomes a concern when that anger turns to violence. Krizan said the Columbine school shooting in 1999 is an example in which narcissism and envy were possible motivating factors. He points to the videotapes left behind by the two shooters as evidence.
"If you look at evidence that is often left over, in Columbine for example you had those videos, these shooting escapades seem to be a kind of power grab by these individuals," Krizan said. "The tapes are also narratives, in which they are the person taking control, they're the one in charge and they will determine how things will go."
It is important to note that there is always a combination of factors that contribute to the violence in these extreme cases. However, Krizan said understanding how envy and narcissism are related will help in the diagnosis and definition of narcissistic personality disorder and its antisocial consequences.

Spinach and Artichoke Pasta

The Cast of Characters: Butter, garlic, spinach, canned artichokes, flour, milk, cream cheese, Monterey Jack (or mozzarella), Parmesan, salt, cayenne pepper, and (not pictured because I’m an airhead) seasoned Panko breadcrumbs.
Don’t get too attached to that there cream cheese, though. You’ll find out why in a minute.

Spinach Artichoke Pasta

Prep Time:

10 Minutes

Cook Time:

20 Minutes

Difficulty:

Easy

Servings:

10

Ingredients

• 6 Tablespoons Butter
• 4 cloves Garlic, Finely Minced
• 2 bags Baby Spinach
• 2 cans Artichoke Hearts, Drained And Halved
• 3 Tablespoons Flour
• 3 cups Whole Milk
• 1/4 teaspoon Cayenne Pepper
• Salt And Pepper, to taste
• 1/2 cup Grated Parmesan Cheese
• 1-1/2 cup Mozzarella Or Monterey Jack Cheese, Grated
• 1/2 cup Low Sodium Chicken Broth (less Or More)
• 12 ounces, weight Penne, Cooked Until Al Dente
• 1/2 cup Seasoned Panko Breadcrumbs
• Crushed Red Pepper, To Taste

Preparation Instructions

Melt 2 tablespoons butter in a large pot or skillet. Add garlic and throw in the spinach. Stir it around until it's wilted, about 1 minute. Remove spinach from heat and set aside.
Add 2 tablespoons butter to the same pot and raise the heat to high. Throw in the halved artichokes and stir it around until they get a little color, 1 to 2 minutes. Remove the artichokes from the pot and set them aside.
Reduce the heat to low. Add 2 tablespoons butter to the pot. When melted, sprinkle in flour and whisk until it's combined. Pour in milk and whisk to combine. Let it cook for 3 to 4 minutes, or until starting to thicken. Add Parmesan, Mozzarella/Monterey Jack, salt and pepper, and cayenne pepper. Stir to melt, and if it's overly thick, splash in chicken broth.
Add artichokes and pasta, tossing gently to combine. Gently fold in spinach, then pour the pasta into a serving bowl. Sprinkle the top with crushed red pepper flakes and plenty of Panko breadcrumbs for crunch.
Serve immediately!

Posted by Ree on October 7 2012

The place of “Cognitive Dissonance” in Narcissistic Victim Syndrome

Understanding Cognitive Dissonance in relation to narcissistic abuse:

Stockholm syndrome involves the victim paradoxically forming a positive relationship with their oppressor; this is called “Trauma Bonding”. When victims of narcissistic are suffering from Stockholm Syndrome, they are often seen by outsiders as somehow having participated in some bizarre way that seems to support their abuse. However, to understand how the trauma bonding occurs, it is especially relevant to understand what is involved in the decision-making and problem-solving process of the victim. This theory is known as Cognitive Dissonance.

If therapists are to understand the behaviour of clients who have been victims of narcissistic abuse, then it is crucial for them to appreciate why the victim combines the two unhealthy conditions of Stockholm Syndrome and Cognitive Dissonance as part of their survival strategy. When these two strategies are in place, the victim firmly believes that their relationship is not only acceptable, but also vital for their survival. They become so enmeshed in the relationship with the abuser, that they feel that their world (mental and emotional) would fall apart if the relationship ended. This explains why they fear those people who attempt to rescue them from their abuser, and how this creates the victim to develop cognitive dissonance and become protective of their abuser.

What is Cognitive Dissonance?

Cognitive dissonance is a psychological term which describes the uncomfortable tension that results from having two conflicting thoughts at the same time, or from engaging in behavior that conflicts with one’s beliefs (Rational Wiki). Cognitive Dissonance is a communication theory that was published by Leon Festinger 1957, a theory that changed the way in which social psychology was to look at human decision-making and behaviour. The concept of cognitive dissonance is almost self explanatory by its title: ‘Cognitive’ is to do with thinking (or the mind); while ‘dissonance’ is concerned with inconsistencies or conflicts. Simply speaking, cognitive dissonance is the discomfort a person experiences whenever they are holding two conflicting ideas simultaneously (i.e. Shall I wear the red or the blue dress?). Naturally, people do not like the discomfort of conflicting thoughts; this theory proposes that when this happens, people have a motivational drive within them that allows them to rationalize and change their attitudes, beliefs, values and actions, anything that allows them to reduce or dissolve the dissonance they are experiencing (i.e Which makes my bum look smallest?) . When it comes to victims of abuse, there are several behaviours that a victim may use for reducing their cognitive dissonance. For a start they may try to ignore or eliminate it, or they may try to alter its importance, they may even create new cognitions, but most importantly they will try to prevent it from happening in the first place.

What part does Cognitive Dissonance play with victims of narcissistic abuse?

Victims living in a household where there is narcissistic abuse are living in a torturous war zone, where all forms of power and control are used against them (intimidation; emotional, physical and mental abuse; isolation, economic abuse, sexual abuse, coercion etc.). The threat of abuse is always present, and it usually gets more violent and frequent as time goes on. The controlling narcissistic environment puts the victim in a dependency situation, where they experience an extreme form of helplessness which throws them into panic and chaos. The narcissist creates a perverse form of relationship wherein the victim has no idea of what will happen next (alternating between acts of kindness or aggressive raging). This prolonged torturous situation is likely to trigger old negative scripts of the victim’s childhood internal object relations (attachment, separation and individuation). To survive the internal conflict, the victim will have to call on all their internal resources and defense strategies in order to manage their most primitive anxieties of persecution and annihilation. In order to survive, the victim has to find ways of reducing their cognitive dissonance, the strategies they employ may include; justifying things by lying to themselves if need be, regress into infantile patterns, and bond with their narcissistic captor. Most defense mechanisms are fairly unconscious, so the victim is unaware of using them in the moment; all they are intent on is surviving the madness they find themselves in.

As you can imagine, these states of mind throw the victim into any number of inner conflicts where defense mechanisms are called for, cognitive dissonance being one.

For example, a woman who is abused by her narcissistic spouse will hate the conditions she is living in. However with the real fear of a violent reprisal from her captor if she tried to leave, she will more likely choose to stay put. The cognitive dissonance shows itself through rationalization: On the one hand: she abhors her unhealthy relationship and all the abuse that goes with it; while on the other hand, she tells herself that he only fights with her because he loves and cares for her. This inner dialogue reduced her anxiety, allowing her to bond (Stockholm Syndrome) with her abuser, to the point that she will even protect him from the outside world if people attempt to rescue her or encourage her to leave. The result is that a massive draining conflict ensues between the person’s emotional self and their rational reasoning self. Their “cognitive dissonance” is a sign of the disharmony the victim is experiencing as a result of two conflicting ideas going on at the same time; i.e. the victim knows that they should get out of the abusive situation, but they also know that to do so will put them (and possibly their children) in great danger. While experiencing cognitive dissonance they may adopt a pattern of denial, diversion and defensiveness to control their discomfort. In the cognitive dissonance theory, the decision that decides which path the victim will take will be likely to be the path that causes the least emotional stress. In order to reduce the dissonance, the victim will choose the path of least resistance, and their motivational drive will support their beliefs and justify any decision that helps them stay safe. As you can imagine, the cognitive dissonance can lead to irrational decision making as the person struggles to reconcile these two conflicting beliefs. Researchers suggest that it is actually the cognitive dissonance that causes the victims to choose to stay put with their abuser. Furthermore, in order to support their seemingly irrational decisions to stay put in the abusive relationship, the victim makes heavy investments that almost cements them into the bad relationship forever.

There are six types of investment the victim may get embroiled in that helps to reduce their cognitive dissonance:-

Emotional Investment: Unable to get out of the relationship due to the fear of what will happen to them, the victim decides that they should stay, and see it through to the bitter end. The victim convinces themselves that “things are not that bad”, especially when the narcissistic abuser shows them acts of kindness. Their trauma bonding is interpreted as love. They use that love to feel compassion for their narcissistic abuser; they may even make excuses that their abuser suffered so much hurt and pain in their own childhood, that they cannot help the way they are. They convince themselves that by loving their abuser as much as possible they will heal their wounds, and then everything will be alright. They continue in this way, investing so much emotion in the relationship, (i.e. They shed so many tears, blaming themselves for upsetting their abuser, becoming responsible for their abusers feelings and behaviour. They worry for their abuser in case they harm someone and end up in jai. They even end up blaming themselves when there is another eruption (“I caused the upset, I should have known better”). They even go so far as to convince themselves that their abuser is the victim of society, and therefore must be protected from everybody.

Social Investment: The biggest social investment the victim makes is to the person nearest to them, their narcissistic abuser. The narcissist’s superiority will demand that they are the most important one in the relationship, and the victim (in time) will comply with that arrangement. It does not help that society in general has a matter-of fact attitude toward victims, they do not understand why a victim would stay in such an abusive relationship, let alone protect the abuser. This response can create a further helplessness within the victim, which leaves them feeling isolated and alienated. With a sense of damage to their pride, and deep feelings of shame, the victim begins to avoid further social embarrassment and uncomfortable situations, alienating themselves further with their abuser. Isolated, dependent and dis-spirited, the way is paved for more acceptance of the abuser, and the victim stays in the relationship. They become caught in a cycle with their abuser that involves a sequence of violent episodes, followed by an absence of battering, once again tension building, and finally tension escalating into another violent episode where they get hurt. Around and around it goes, and helplessly the victim looses all hope, so they settle for investing their loyalty there.

Family Investments: For a start, a narcissist is preoccupied in self investment, therefore they expect everybody to pamper to their false self (sadly their true self is in a state of atrophy). If the narcissist is a spouse, then the partner is going to have to invest heavily in their abuser until they are emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually bankrupt. The narcissist requires perfect mirroring and stroking continuously, when they don’t get it, they withdraw (this withdrawal is likely to lead to danger for the victim). Step by step the supposed closeness is disappearing, and the victim experiences this as a great loss (and fear), seeing this, the narcissist feels a sense of power and control. In their withdrawal state, the narcissist is going to loose their sense of specialness, power and omnipotence, this makes them very susceptible to narcissistic injury. When there is narcissistic injury, the terror monster is released, and all of the family is likely to encounter their rage. All of this is going to evoke anxiety on the victimized partner, not just around their own safety, but also for the safety of the children. The narcissist suffers from a chronic evasive pattern that does not change. Just as the narcissist is demanding of its spouse, as a parent they are also very demanding of their children, (remember that everything is about them). They see the children as extensions of themselves, representing them in every aspect. For that reason they expect their children to be high achievers, the very best in every thing that they do. However, the child is faced with a dilemma; If the child comes second best in any task, they will be perceived as being “the first looser” by their narcissistic parent. Silver medals are not seen as a reason to celebrate, they are are more likely to be perceived as a disgrace (looser). If they came first, they risk triggering the narcissist’s jealousy and envy; for the narcissist, envy always involves a comparison – they envy that which they lack. When the child shines, its success is always somehow due to the narcissist itself, but when the child fails, the narcissist takes the failure personally (narcissistic wound), and they will punish the child, whether it be by word or deed. Living with a narcissistic parent, so often the child finds it hard to get their own needs meet, which can lead to serious emotional problems for them. Because the narcissist parent is like a child their own self, there will be power struggles for attention between the child and the parent. All these dynamics are going to put strain on the partner of the narcissist, and they are likely to be the butt of all the narcissist frustration and anger, which will manifest itself as rage. Investing everything they have in their narcissistic partner is the only way the victim finds to keep the family going.

Financial Investment: Narcissist typically seeks to control the family finances, money is a love substitute for them. No matter who earn the money in their family, it is they who are entitled to control how the monies get spent. Often the victim finds themselves being put on an allowance to run the house, and the abuser closely monitors how it is spent. If there is a shortage of money, the narcissist will be stingy when it comes to members of their family spending, yet they will spend what it takes to get what they want. Where possible, the narcissist creates a complex financial situation where everybody is dependent on them, this keeps them in control. Without financial means and usually alienated, many victims are unaware of support resources they may be entitled to, they are trapped by the situation, finding themselves waiting and hoping for a better financial situation to develop so that they can make their exit and detachment easier. In the meantime they do what they can to keep their abuser happy.

Lifestyle Investment: When the narcissist is successful, they will use a lifestyle as an investment. Because they need to display their “specialness” to the world, they will want to display all of their wealth trophies (Narcissistic Supply): the big house, car, private school, business etc. All these things contribute to getting them the praise and adulation they feel they deserve. For the victim, sharing in this financial security, they may fear loosing their current lifestyle for themselves or their children. So they stay because of their fear of the poverty trap that awaits them if they manage to leave.

Intimacy Investment: Narcissism is a personality trait associated with an inflated, grandiose self-concept and a lack of intimacy in interpersonal relationships. The narcissist perceives themselves as being unique and uncommon. Being intimate requires that two people operate commonly with openness and truth (True Self) so that they relate as “equals”. The narcissist operates from a False Self, and becoming equal with anybody would only negate their notion of uniqueness, so they avoid that entirely. Unknown to them, narcissists are still held ransom to their unresolved conflicts with their primary objects (parents). Like the child, they are still harboring the deep wounds of abandonment they experienced back then. Afraid of their own negative emotions, unconsciously, they promise themselves that they will never put themselves in that position again, and they avoid further narcissistic injury by holding everybody at bay, this includes their partner and children. Unfortunately, they too, like the rest of us, are susceptible to loneliness, which is why they are always on the look out for “narcissistic supply” for attention. When they have a partner, they separate the sexual from the emotional and treat their partner as a sex object, and the typical cycle of frustration-aggression is set in motion. Unfortunately, in love with their own reflection, they are incapable of loving anybody else. Where the partner thought she had married the nice Dr. Jekyll, she now finds herself facing the raging maniac that is Mr. Hyde. In such an unhealthy relationship, she will experience the destruction of her emotional and sexual self-esteem. He is not a good father, rather than love his children he abhors them (they take the mother’s attention away from him), so they are confined to the role of being another narcissistic supply source. Furthermore, they use a type blackmail of intimacy against their partner (threatening to tell intimate detains about them that would humiliate and destroy their character). The partner finds themselves in a hopeless situation, broken, the only way out is for them to stay. This serves to send the message to the narcissist that they are truly unique and superior.


One would wonder how the victim tolerates living with an abuser who is so intolerant and hostile? For healthy relationships, tolerating intolerance is neither acceptable nor possible, but for the victim of narcissistic abuse it is vital for survival. Finding themselves in such an intolerable situation, the victim must calm the cognitive dissonance that rocks their self-esteem and self worth. The Dissonance Theory allows the victim to make their choice (even if it means lying to themselves), and gives them a way to justify that they can be happy about not making the opposite choice that would surely put them in danger. Once the choice is made and the cognitive dissonance calmed, the victim has all sorts of tools (unconscious defense mechanism) at their disposal to bolster their decision to stay in the relationship (i.e. Stockholm Syndrome, Infantilism, Trauma Bonding).

for more information visit: Blog: Sanctuary for the Abused: GREAT SOURCE!

Labels: cognitive dissonance, emotional, emotional rape, family, financial, investment, narcissism, narcissist, obsessive thinking, stockholm syndrome, trauma bonding

Patience and Trust

❦ To have patience you must trust. To trust you must have faith. To have faith you must believe what you cannot see. And to believe in what you cannot see, you must open your heart and listen with your soul…❀
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Words by Unknown
Page : Wingless Angel

Happiness

❦ Happiness comes when we stop complaining about the troubles we have and offer thanks for all the troubles we don’t have. Every day take the time to find something that makes your heart laugh and your soul smile. We all face difficult times in our lives, but do not let your circumstances weigh you down. Happiness is a choice… choose to be happy, and you will be…❀
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Words by Unknown
Page : Wingless Angel

Words of wisdom, because I fall too and I need to remember just to be thankful and happy.

I may not be

Im Stronger

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.`•.¸¸.•´ ❦ I’m stronger because I had to be. I’m smarter because of my mistakes. I’m happier because I’ve overcome the sadness I have known and I’m wiser because I’ve learned from my life…❀
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Words by Unknown

(¯`•❦•´¯)¸•´¯`❧
.`•.¸¸.•´ ❦ You always keep running back to the same people because its safe and its what you are used to. That’s your biggest problem. You need to go out and find better. You will never find your prince until you are strong enough to leave the frog…❀
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Words by Unknown

(¯`•❦•´¯)¸•´¯`❧
.`•.¸¸.•´ ❦ Smile, even if it’s fake. Laugh, even if you hurt. Don’t let anyone get to you, you’re beautiful regardless of what anyone says to you…❀
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Words by Unknown