SOAR TO FREEDOM FROM DOMESTIC VIOLENCE: Freedom Gives Hope, Hope Gives Freedom F-orgiveness,R-esilience, E-scape,E-xperience gives strength,D-eliberation, O-wn yourself,M-end your soul, G-ive Grace,I-ndependence, V-ictory,E-njoy life,S-urvivor, H-E-L-P,O-pen your heart, P-eace,E-ducate yourself
Friday, November 30, 2012
Stop The Violence
She was a shell
Empty and alone
Where could she go?
Who could she tell?
Was easier to stay
To accept defeat
Everyone told her
That's the way it should be.
They all looked away
and left her alone
they turned their heads
to any broken bones
They told her to be strong
for that was the plan
Her only goal
should be to please her man
She did her best
She gave it her all
When asked "What happened?"
She said
"Oh, Just a fall"
Years went by
she learned to adapt
she learned how not
to make him mad
She learned how to please
Just what to say
She learned to make sure
HE had a good day
Those looking on could not see?
Would not see?
The pain that was so deep inside of me
Was it easier to just look away?
Distance and time
closed for me
there was a hand that
could be reached
A hand with a face
from the past
A hand that only for a
short time would last
I held on to that hand
with all my might
I pulled myself up
I learned how to fight
A year has past
And now I see
just how wonderful
life should be
Written in celebration of my freedom
Dedicated to the face from the past,
(Someone's name) ( Author unknown)
She was a shell
Empty and alone
Where could she go?
Who could she tell?
Was easier to stay
To accept defeat
Everyone told her
That's the way it should be.
They all looked away
and left her alone
they turned their heads
to any broken bones
They told her to be strong
for that was the plan
Her only goal
should be to please her man
She did her best
She gave it her all
When asked "What happened?"
She said
"Oh, Just a fall"
Years went by
she learned to adapt
she learned how not
to make him mad
She learned how to please
Just what to say
She learned to make sure
HE had a good day
Those looking on could not see?
Would not see?
The pain that was so deep inside of me
Was it easier to just look away?
Distance and time
closed for me
there was a hand that
could be reached
A hand with a face
from the past
A hand that only for a
short time would last
I held on to that hand
with all my might
I pulled myself up
I learned how to fight
A year has past
And now I see
just how wonderful
life should be
Written in celebration of my freedom
Dedicated to the face from the past,
(Someone's name) ( Author unknown)
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HAPPENDS TO MEN TOO: HERE IS A PERSONAL STORY OF A MAN'S STRUGGLE WITH DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
I'm your basic middle class male
who was raised to respect women and never hit them. I consider
myself a good
provider and who has had some success after my hard work has paid off with my
authoring 2 best selling books and having sold a self-started company. I work
hard and am a decent man. I am also one of those in total disbelief this would
ever happen to me.
I hate the term battered man, I'm
a DV survivor. And I can say the system (judicial, police, legal, local and
state government agencies) does virtually nothing to help a man survive when
they're on the receiving end of a female sociopath's attacks. In fact, the
system has, in some ways, injured me more than my ex wife ever could.
My wife slapped me hard after I
said no to her wanting to get donor sperm in order to get pregnant. Keep in mind
her fertility doctor said there were NO physical problems with either of us to
prevent her from getting pregnant. Keep in mind we'd only been trying for 4
months, but she felt entitled and was willing to beat anyone down who got in the
way.
After I confronted her about her
having no right to lay a hand on me and my fear of what she would do to our
future children, she replied, "if you're going to get your tiny feelings in a
bunch over a little slap, you need to keep going to therapy TO WORK ON YOUR
PROBLEMS."
I packed and left immediately.
Ironically, the day she slapped me for not allowing her to become pregnant using
other men's sperm, was Mother's Day.
I later intercepted a written letter where my
wife agreed with her friend's idea to "have a child and then dump me". The
letter also detailed how to catch my sperm in a condom for insemination without
my knowledge.
When I confronted her with the
note, she just shrugged like, "there's nothing you can do about it, pal." I keep
the letter to remind me why I'm divorcing my wife.
Later, my wife body slammed my 67
year old, 4'11" mother into a mirrored closet door bruising my mother's knee.
Subsequent x-rays revealed my mom also suffered a nearly fractured finger as my
wife ripped my mom's camera from her hands. We were taking pictures at my house
to prevent my wife from destroying more of my personal property. Is this how
your mother should be treated by your wife?
As we both left my own house
being pushed, shoved, and attacked, my father in law arrived and started to push
and goad me into punching him.
We left without touching anyone
and called the police when we were safe in my car. The police arrived and did
not call an ambulance for my mom, did not recommend any of the numerous
government and legal resources available ( i.e. restraining orders, etc) and
downgraded the event to a "property dispute."
Further, the police threatened me
by saying, "if you return, sir, we will arrest you for trespassing." Keep in
mind, this is my own house where I'm on the deed. Four counts of assault and
battery/DV with pictures, doctor's reports, and witnesses, but no arrests or
convictions.
Do you think there's a problem
with the system if you're male and subject to domestic violence from your
wife?
No? - Imagine if the situation
was reversed: the husband slapped his healthy wife for not having a child after
4 months of trying, shrugged off a written letter found by his wife where the
husband agreed with his buddy about dumping his wife after tricking her to get
pregnant, beat his wife's mother badly enough to require x-rays, and called his
father to assault his young wife on the front lawn for the neighborhood to
see.
Do you really believe the police
and the courts would have treated that case in the same way?
Not a chance. The husband and his
father would be in jail while paying for damages, and the wife and mother would
be celebrated as domestic violence survivors on Oprah.
If you're like me, who's trying
to protect your rights and your family by blood from a crazy wife, and an even
crazier system, take heart. You are not alone.
Tell your story, and do what you
can to take care of what's important. Things will change.
P.S. To those that may not
believe me, I can understand. You probably haven't experienced anything like
this in your life. I probably wouldn't have believed it fully until I heard my
mother scream in pain from my wife's attacks, saw the hard evidence of pictures
and medical reports, and felt the pain in my gut of doing the right thing by
asking the system for help, and having the system turn right around and try to
prosecute the innocent victims for crimes they did not commit.
It does happen, and the system
does not work.
Domestic Violence Personal Stories
My name is Linda and I started having a bad life at 18. I met what
I thought was a wonderful man. He was one of my bosses from work. He was so kind
to me at fist. We would spend lovely times together just having fun. I seemed
important to him; at least I thought I was.
After we were dating for about 2.5 months I found out I was
pregnant and I wanted no more children. I already had a son and I was too young
for him but another would have been havoc. So I told Joe that I wanted to
terminate the pregnancy and that is when it all started.
He kept me home and fired me from my job. For the 1st time he hit
me right across the face because I said I was leaving him. He dragged me into
the dept. store and said we are going shopping so stop crying like a baby. He
acted like it was nothing and I knew it was wrong but I did as I was told. I was
18 and he was 31. I thought an older man would be better for me but I was
wrong!
The hitting became beatings almost every day. Even though I was
pregnant, he did not care. He said, "If you were a good girl I wouldn't have to
discipline you so much." I hated hearing that. Be a good girl- that was screwed
up ya' know?
I had my daughter and I thought it would help us but it didn't. It
just meant that I was stuck with him. The black eyes and busted lips and bruised
body was all I knew and he was taking my heart too. I was no longer living near
my parents and I was forbidden to have friends or should I say a life?
Two years later I became pregnant and I was not at all happy with
that. But of course I had to stay pregnant. It cooled him down a little and he
always said he was sorry. I hated my life and I wanted it to end but I had
children whom I loved and I couldn't leave them. That is what keeps me alive. I
tried to get help from my dad but he said THAT I MADE MY BED NOW - lay in it!!
That hurt so much because I thought daddies were there to help when you needed
them most.
My father was angry with me because I had children and he said it
was my fault I put myself in that type of position. My mom couldn't even help me
she could barely take care of herself. So as my pregnancy progressed he was a
little nicer to me- we had twins now. That was the worse news to me. I kept
thinking how am I going to leave with 4 kids.
I paid for a tubal ligation so I couldn't have any more children
with him. I started saving a dollar here and a dollar there so I could escape my
hell with my children. I remember one day that I told him I hated him with every
bone in my body. He hit me so hard I went flying at least 10 feet across the bed
and onto the floor. Blood dripping from my mouth, I just smiled and said, "Are
you done?" I was so tired of him hitting me and controlling me as a person that
I had had enough!
He started hitting me some more and I didn't back down. He finally
walked away. The days went by and I would get hit because I didn't vacuum first
then dust. The house was not clean enough or there was a fork in the sink I
would get slapped again. He made excuses to hit me. So I bided my time till I
could leave.
A few years later I was going to be gone within a few months then
I found out I was pregnant again. I was floored because I paid to be fixed. Well
I was that 1% that could get pregnant. So I stayed until my last child was 1 and
a 1/2 and I packed my things and left.
I left the children behind because I couldn't care for 5 children.
I took the oldest child with me because he was mine and not his. I became a
stripper to care for my son and we did fine and I thought I would finally be
free of violence. I loved my new life of no more long sleeved shirts or pants to
cover the bruises.
Then I met James and he swore he would never hit me and he didn't
for 1 1/2 years. Then one day I was out riding my bike and I pulled into the
front yard and he was yelling and all of a sudden I fell down. He had hit me in
the face so hard I had lost my balance. I still do not know why he hit me that
day he never told me.
I stayed with him for a few more months hoping it was a mistake
and it would never happen again. But I was wrong again. I let him move in with
me in hopes of a good relationship. It did not last long.
One night I went out with my friends like I always did on Fridays
and when I got home he yelled and screamed at me for being out while he was
working. I basically told him he needed to leave because it was not working out
then he hit me across the face a couple of times. I got up and ran for the phone
to call for help. He pulled it out of the wall. He kept saying why are you
making me do this to you? He grabbed my hair and was dragging me into the
bedroom and I knew what that meant from experience I began to scream for
help.
My son heard me and I hollered to him to get the neighbors and he
did. He saved my life. James was arrested and given 1.5 years and no contact. I
moved after that. We were over and I was over with men at least I thought I
was.
Then one day my friend introduced me to a handsome sweet
intelligent man and I fell for him hard. I was tired of being put down and
bruised but my girlfriend assured me that he was good. She lied! He was worse
than the other two put together. It was pure hell and I didn't realize what pain
really was till I was with Jeff. He hit me every day even if he woke up in a
good mood. I hated life and everyone in it. I thought that this is how my life
was meant to be so I stayed for 6.5 years till I couldn't take it no more.
He would call my job all of the time and make me bring home a
register receipt to prove what time I left. He held a gun to my head and said,
If you want to die, let's do it." He would hit me in the face all of the time.
Everyone at my job knew he was mean but no one would help me. Finally after he
broke my windshield for the 3rd time I left and moved 20 minutes away and
transferred to another store. He found me once again.
He called us all hours of the night yelling nasty things to myself
and my roommate. He threatened her a lot and finally after 6 months of calls I
finally agreed to see him in hopes of it being the last time. I was hoping that
he had realized that after 6.5 years of hate he would finally end it and be
civil. I wanted him to go on with his life so I could without him. I wanted to
stop looking over my shoulder and my dreams would stop keeping me up at night. I
wanted sleep again. I wanted to smile again. I wanted to be ME again.
He invited me to his birthday party so I figured I would be safe.
I was so tired from working 18 hours straight but I made it to the party and
there was other people there so I was ok with it. He was drinking and taking
Librium pills the next door neighbor got him. I should have known to leave but I
didn't.
I fell asleep on the couch and I awakened to him standing over me
just looking at me in a confused look. I asked him what he was doing and he
grabbed my throat and said, "you think you can just walk away from me. No you
can't." I froze for a moment because I had this strange feeling rush over me and
I can't completely describe it but it was scary. I knew then if I didn't get
away from him I would die! I knew it and I didn't know how but I was terrified
beyond belief. I pushed him off and ran for the door. He got up and chased me
and it started a fight because I was determined to win this one. He grabbed my
hair and pulled and yanked it hurt so bad that I could barely stand the pain. I
wrapped my arms around the railing of the outside steps and held on for life. My
arms began to bleed from scraping the wood rail back and forth but I held
on.
He finally got me loose and I fell to the top step with my face
down hoping to pass out. I knew I had to stay alive and that meant staying
awake. He grabbed my head and began pounding it into the top step. It hurt and
all I could do was cry and fight back. I saw blood dripping onto the step and I
knew I had to be bleeding from my face now. It was a mess all over the steps. He
yanked me up and I dropped to the steps again and he kept telling me to get up
and get inside and I kept yelling for help. No one listened. He grabbed my hair
and dragged me inside and I grabbed the doorway in hopes of tiring him out
because I was tired. I dug my nails into the wood frame around the door making
my fingers bleed and nails breaking from the pressure I could no longer hold on.
I was now inside and he picked me up and threw me up against the wall calmly
talking to me saying that we were soul mates and we had to be together. He said
that our lives, especially his, was not going to be wasted by me. I owed him and
I say I owed him nothing! We fought some more hitting each other profusely not
taking a breath. I pushed him away and he fell over the end table he looked up
and then unscrewed the table and came at me again and caught me right across the
nose. I felt dizzy and out of it.
I remember saying to myself if there is a God, please help me. I
will never doubt Your existence again. I never believed in God until that night.
Jeff kept hitting me and made me walk the house with him. Finally I had him
convinced that we would marry tomorrow. He stopped. He brought me into the
kitchen to wipe my face off because he said I was a mess. He told me to go
shower and change into some of his pajamas and we would watch our favorite
movie. I agreed. I rushed upstairs and got into the shower and cried so hard it
hurt. I looked down at the water and it was red all red. That's all I could see
and I cried even more. My face hurt so much that I couldn't bring myself to look
at it. I got out of the shower and dried off quickly and ran down stairs. He
laid on the couch babbling about how I made him do that to me. He made me make a
promise to be good and to marry him. I was to obey him forever and we would
never be apart again.
I waited for him to fall asleep. It was midnight so that meant we
had been fighting for 1 hour. I was so tired and dizzy but all I could think of
was getting out. I waited for him to snore so I would know he was asleep. I went
to the back door and unlocked the first lock 2 more to go. I waited a little
while longer and opened another then another then I ran out the door as quickly
as I could run. I ran down the steps and didn't look back. My feet were bleeding
from running down the rocky driveway. All I could think was getting help.
I ran across the street to a neighbor's house it was 3:30 in the
morning. I tapped on his window and begged for him to let me in. He opened the
door and let me in we called the police and it was now over for me and him. I
thank the Davidson county police of Tennessee for all their help. I get to live
again. I am now 36 years older and am finally happy. I forgot what it was like
to breathe on my own again. I haven't seen Jeff in 3 years and I keep track of
him. He is still in jail and I have found someone who is the best thing in my
life besides my children. 3 times is a charm - no the 4th is!!!!
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Signs almost always precede deadly domestic violence cases
PHOENIX–Pamela Blaies handed her daughter a pamphlet on domestic violence, opening it in her hands to point out specific signs of an abusive relationship.
"Look at this. Look at all this. See this? This is you," Pamela told 28-year-old Amanda Blaies-Rinaldi.
"… your partner controls everything.
"… your partner calls you names or yells at you.
"… your partner shoves, pinches, hits, punches, kicks or otherwise hurts you.
"… your partner destroys your belongings.
"… your partner threatens to hurt you, the children, or pets."
Amanda's 2 1/2-year relationship with her husband, Anthony, had been tumultuous: screaming fights, holes punched through walls, calls to police.
He had threatened to kill himself, and her, and her mother as well. But Amanda was certain he'd never actually go that far. Especially not with the children in the house. And not just before Christmas.
Amanda gave the pamphlet back to her mother and told her not to worry.
Two days later, Amanda was dead.
"She is definitely dead," her husband, Anthony Rinaldi, then 26, reportedly told authorities when he turned himself in. "I put two to the chest and one to the head."
Actually, the former Army sniper had put two bullets in his wife's chest and three in her head, her mother would later learn from prosecutors. The sound of the gunshots reverberated up the stairs. There, Amanda's 7-year-old son called 911 over the hollers of his baby brother.
Amanda's death on Dec. 13 was one of at least 101 domestic violence-related deaths in the state in 2011. Of those, 59 involved guns.
This year, two recent incidents of domestic killings that claimed five victims each, each involving children, have dominated the news.
But those incidents were only a fraction of the total. Not even halfway into 2012, at least 48 people have died; at least 31 of those were shot to death. The numbers are consistent, roughly 100 a year, year after year.
The numbers are compiled by the Arizona Coalition Against Domestic Violence, and include a broad range of types of incidents.
Typically, any violence between people who share a residence is considered domestic violence, so the number in the annual tally can include spouses, girlfriends and boyfriends, other relatives and even bystanders.
Domestic-violence deaths are counted when a partner or other person in the home kills or is killed. An abuser committing a murder-suicide would be considered two deaths; a death is also counted if an abuser is shot during a confrontation with law enforcement.
But when someone talks about domestic violence — and when experts study it — the focus is on a classic pattern in which a person, usually a man, eventually kills his partner.
A landmark 2003 study by a team of international researchers, led by Jacquelyn Campbell at Johns Hopkins University in Baltimore and published in the National Institute of Justice Journal, compared two groups of battered women. One group included 220 who had been killed by their partners; the other group included 343 who had been abused, but not killed.
What the researchers pinpointed was that where a history of domestic violence exists, certain other factors vastly increase the likelihood that a victim will be killed.
Battered women who have been threatened or assaulted with a gun — even once — are 20 times as likely than other battered women to be murdered. Those who have been choked are 10 times more likely to be killed.
Other factors that can increase a victim's risk are substance abuse, unemployment, depression, abuse during pregnancy, any kind of estrangement, and the presence of a stepchild. For people in the field, the study — and the danger-assessment tool it was based on — is the definitive guide for assessing risk in domestic-violence situations.
The checklist of those signs is so remarkably consistent that intake workers at domestic-violence shelters use the criteria to establish what danger a woman faces, and Phoenix police officers ask similar questions when they go out on roughly 14,000 domestic-violence calls every year.
"It would be rare for something like this to happen with no previous record of domestic violence," says Carl Mangold, a licensed social worker who counseled more than 3,500 men convicted of abuse in Arizona between 1996 and 2006. He now trains others to work with offenders through the Arizona Coalition Against Domestic Violence.
There is a pattern in incidents that end fatally, he says. A man becomes violent, and blames the victim. She tries to resist, and his abuse escalates. She attempts to end the relationship, and he punishes her for her defiance
.The warning signs are there.
They were there before May 2 — the day, police say, J.T. Ready shot and killed four people.
The twice court-martialed Marine, border vigilante and admitted white supremacist with a history of soured relationships killed his 47-year-old girlfriend, Lisa Mederos; her daughter, Amber, 23; Amber's fiance, Jim Hiott, 24; and Amber's daughter, Lilly, who was 15 months old. He then killed himself.
Ready kept weapons at home. And in February, Lisa Mederos had called police to complain that Ready had choked her six months earlier. The report went nowhere, police said, because they had no probable cause for an arrest.
The warning signs were there in the case of Christina Alvarez. The 32-year-old was shot and killed in Phoenix on May 29, her three children in the next room.
The warning signs were there in the case of Tekesha Barnes, shot outside a school event for her eighth-grade daughter May 25.
The warning signs were there in the case of Claudia Pascual, 31, shot in her Tucson home the day before Valentine's Day.
And the warning signs were there for Amanda Blaies-Rinaldi.
The majority of domestic-violence cases do not turn deadly. Neil Websdale, a Northern Arizona University criminology and criminal-justice professor for 20 years, has worked to document how it happens in those that do.
In addition to teaching at NAU, Websdale leads the National Domestic Violence Fatality Review Initiative, which he started in 1999 with a grant from the U.S. Department of Justice in the hope of preventing more deaths. Each year, 10 Arizona teams review 20 or so cases in great detail, looking for common traits among abusers and among victims, working to identify where the system works and where it fails.
Almost always, a history of a certain kind of abusive behavior is the first, most important indicator.
Websdale has studied police reports, restraining orders, arrests and convictions in the kind of abuse that researchers call "intimate partner terrorism," or "coercive control."
Coercive control is almost exclusively the domain of men. It is long-term and tyranical abuse that includes, often in addition to physical violence, attacks on a woman's self-worth, degrading remarks and obsessive monitoring of her whereabouts and her contact with other people.
Other factors fuel the lethality:
-- He's obsessively possessive. If he can't have her, no one can.
-- He drinks or uses drugs. He's depressed, or unemployed.
-- There's a stepchild in the household. The risk increases not because of anything the child does, but because his or her presence invokes jealousy over a woman's prior relationship.
-- He abuses his partner during pregnancy.
-- There's an age difference of more than 10 years.
-- She's an undocumented immigrant who may fear reaching out for help because of her status.
Websdale also finds that many men kill in a state of what he calls "humiliated fury," shame that has gone into overdrive for any number of reasons: She is moving out and he is losing control of her, for instance, or he has lost his job and is drinking more.
"It's about manhood and failing to live up to prescriptions of modern-day masculinity," he says.
An escalation of abuse is typical just before a battered woman is killed, he notes. There will be more broken bones, more cracked teeth. More calls to 911.
"You can see it coming. You can log it. You can count it," he says.
In addition to an escalation of abuse, there may be other changes. Maybe an abuser starts keeping a loaded gun on the nightstand, or begins reading her text messages and dropping by her office to make sure she's at work.
More subtle but just as important is that the victim herself grows increasingly fearful, and tells friends or family that things are getting worse.
There may be no outward signs. But Websdale says, "In her own mind, if she senses things are getting worse, they are. We have to be sensitive to what the victim tells us."
And while leaving an abuser is a dangerous time for any victim, in these cases, any emotional estrangement can also trigger a deadly attack. Such things as enrolling in college, making new friends or refusing to argue anymore can be a trigger just as easily as filing for a divorce.
"He's controlling but vulnerable," Websdale says. "He's very, very threatened by her moving on."
Tekesha Barnes, the mother killed outside her daughter's eighth-grade graduation ceremony held at a nearby high school in Avondale, had filed for an order of protection just four days before she was killed.
Combine escalating abuse with the presence of a gun and the risk goes even higher.
When a woman calls the Sojourner Center, a domestic-violence shelter for women where the 224 beds are always full, one of the first questions she is asked is whether her abuser has access to a gun.
That question not only helps the shelter gauge necessary security measures at the shelter, says Connie Phillips, the center's director, but also helps the woman understand how much danger she may be in. Victims often minimize the risk they face as a means of coping with abuse from day to day.
A gun is a powerful weapon as much for its ability to intimidate as to kill.
"You don't even have to point it at her," Phillips says. It doesn't matter if it is a handgun he fires at the range on weekends or a rifle he takes hunting. He only has to clean it in front of her, put it on the bedside nightstand as she sleeps, or carry it on his hip to make a point.
Some hold guns to their partners' heads and pull the trigger in a tormenting, Russian-roulette-style game. In 18 years at the center, Phillips has heard versions of that story hundreds of times.
"It's just another way of showing 'I have power. You don't,'" she says.
Phillips tells of a woman who was shot by her abuser but survived.
He said he was sorry of course, apologizing again and again. He promised it would never happen again. When he brought her home from the hospital, he took good care of her. And then one day she felt the muzzle against her head again.
Click.
The chamber had been empty. She breathed again, and this time she got out.
Monday, November 26, 2012
The statistics on bullying and suicide are alarming:
Bully-related suicide can be connected to any type of bullying, including physical bullying, emotional bullying, cyberbullying, and sexting, or circulating suggestive or nude photos or messages about a person.
Some schools or regions have more serious problems with bullying and suicide related to bullying. This may be due to an excessive problem with bullying at the school. It could also be related to the tendency of students who are exposed to suicide to consider suicide themselves.
Some of the warning signs of suicide can include:
In some cases, it may not be obvious that a teen is thinking about suicide, such as when the suicide seems to be triggered by a particularly bad episode of bullying. In several cases where bullying victims killed themselves, bullies had told the teen that he or she should kill him or herself or that the world would be better without them. Others who hear these types of statements should be quick to stop them and explain to the victim that the bully is wrong.
Other ways to help people who may be considering suicide include:
People who are thinking about suicide should talk to someone right away or go to an emergency room. They can also call a free suicide hotline, such as 1-800-273-TALK (8255).
For more information visit: www.bullyingstatistics.org/content/bullying-and-suicide.html
- Suicide is the third leading cause of death among young people, resulting in about 4,400 deaths per year, according to the CDC. For every suicide among young people, there are at least 100 suicide attempts. Over 14 percent of high school students have considered suicide, and almost 7 percent have attempted it.
- Bully victims are between 2 to 9 times more likely to consider suicide than non-victims, according to studies by Yale University
- A study in Britain found that at least half of suicides among young people are related to bullying
- 10 to 14 year old girls may be at even higher risk for suicide, according to the study above
- According to statistics reported by ABC News, nearly 30 percent of students are either bullies or victims of bullying, and 160,000 kids stay home from school every day because of fear of bullying
Bully-related suicide can be connected to any type of bullying, including physical bullying, emotional bullying, cyberbullying, and sexting, or circulating suggestive or nude photos or messages about a person.
Some schools or regions have more serious problems with bullying and suicide related to bullying. This may be due to an excessive problem with bullying at the school. It could also be related to the tendency of students who are exposed to suicide to consider suicide themselves.
Some of the warning signs of suicide can include:
- Showing signs of depression, like ongoing sadness, withdrawal from others, losing interest in favorite activities, or trouble sleeping or eating
- Talking about or showing an interest in death or dying
- Engaging in dangerous or harmful activities, including reckless behavior, substance abuse, or self injury
- Giving away favorite possessions and saying goodbye to people
- Saying or expressing that they can't handle things anymore
- Making comments that things would be better without them
In some cases, it may not be obvious that a teen is thinking about suicide, such as when the suicide seems to be triggered by a particularly bad episode of bullying. In several cases where bullying victims killed themselves, bullies had told the teen that he or she should kill him or herself or that the world would be better without them. Others who hear these types of statements should be quick to stop them and explain to the victim that the bully is wrong.
Other ways to help people who may be considering suicide include:
- Take all talk or threats of suicide seriously. Don't tell the person they are wrong or that they have a lot to live for. Instead, get them immediate medical help.
- Keep weapons and medications away from anyone who is at risk for suicide. Get these items out of the house or at least securely locked up.
- Parents should encourage their teens to talk about bullying that takes place. It may be embarrassing for kids to admit they are the victims of bullying, and most kids don't want to admit they have been involved in bullying. Tell victims that it's not their fault that they are being bullied and show them love and support. Get them professional help if the bullying is serious.
- It is a good idea for parents to insist on being included in their children's friends on social networking sites so they can see if someone has posted mean messages about them online. Text messages may be more difficult to know about, so parents should try to keep open communications with their children about bullying.
- Parents who see a serious bullying problem should talk to school authorities about it, and perhaps arrange a meeting with the bully's parents. More states are implementing laws against bullying, and recent lawsuits against schools and criminal charges against bullies show that there are legal avenues to take to deal with bullies. If school authorities don't help with an ongoing bullying problem, local police or attorneys may be able to.
People who are thinking about suicide should talk to someone right away or go to an emergency room. They can also call a free suicide hotline, such as 1-800-273-TALK (8255).
For more information visit: www.bullyingstatistics.org/content/bullying-and-suicide.html
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
| Study of Adult Children of Parental Alienation
Syndrome Gardner identified parental alienation syndrome only 20 years ago. However, researchers and clinicians have been concerned about these cross-generational alliances for much longer. For example, divorce researchers such as Wallerstein and colleagues (2001) have noted that some children develop unhealthy alliances with one parent while rejecting the other. Family therapists have observed that, when a child is “taller” than a parent (i.e., able to look down on), it is usually because he or she is standing on the shoulders of the other parent (i.e., being supported by). Although this problem has long been of concern to mental health practitioners, little research has been conducted on the specific problem of children rejecting one parent due to the overt or covert influence of the other. In contrast to the dearth of research, demand for knowledge about parental alienation and parental alienation syndrome is overwhelming. There are several Web sites devoted to this problem, many of which receive tens of thousands of visits each year. The few books on divorce that discuss this problem are best sellers, and there are several Internet chat groups comprised of anxious parents who fear that the other parent of their child is turning their child against them. Saddest of all are the parents who have already lost their child to parental alienation syndrome and want to know whether they will ever get the child back. This is the question that guided the current study on parental alienation syndrome of adults who as children had been turned against one parent by their other parent (Baker, 2007). In order to participate in the study, the individuals needed to have been alienated from one parent as a child and had to believe that the alienation was at least in part due to the actions and attitudes of the other parent. Forty adults participated in in-depth, semistructured telephone interviews. A content analysis was conducted. Some of the major themes and research findings relevant to the work of social workers are the following: Findings Different Familial ContextsParental alienation syndrome can occur in intact families, as well as divorced families, and can be fostered by fathers, mothers, and noncustodial and custodial parents. The prototypical case is a bitter ex-wife turning the children against the father in response to postdivorce custody litigation. That is one but not the only pattern. Mental health professionals should be aware that other familial contexts exist within which parental alienation syndrome can occur so as to avoid ruling out parental alienation syndrome as an explanation because the family context does not fit the prototype. Emotional, Physical, and Sexual AbuseMany of the interviewees revealed that the alienating parent had emotionally, physically, or sexually abused them. These data should help put to rest the prevailing notion that all children (in their naive wisdom) will ally themselves with the parent better able to attend to their needs. The people interviewed appeared to side with the parent on whom they had become dependent and whose approval they were most afraid of losing, not the parent who was most sensitive or capable. Apparent Psychopathology A related finding is that many of the alienating parents appeared to have features of narcissistic and/or have a borderline or antisocial personality disorder, as well as being active alcoholics. Thus, social workers providing individual therapy with a client who may have been alienated from one parent by the other should be aware of the importance of exploring these other abuse and trauma factors in the client’s early history. Cult Parallels Cults offer a useful heuristic for understanding parental alienation syndrome. Alienating parents appear to use many emotional manipulation and thought reform strategies that cult leaders use. Awareness of this analogy can help individuals who experienced parental alienation syndrome (and their therapists) understand how they came to ally with a parent who was ultimately abusive and damaging. The analogy is also helpful for understanding the recovery and healing process. The research and clinical literature on recovery from cults offers useful ideas for therapists working with adult children of parental alienation syndrome. For example, the way in which a person leaves a cult has ramifications for the recovery process. Cult members can walk away from a cult, be cast out of a cult, or be counseled out of a cult. Those who walk away (come to the realization on their own that the cult is not healthy for them) and those who are counseled out (those who are exposed to a deliberate experience designed to instigate the desire to leave) tend to fare better than those who are cast out (those who are rejected from the cult for failing to meet its regulations and strictures) (Langone, 1994). Regardless of how the cult is abandoned, leaving represents only the beginning of the recovery process. Considerable time and effort is required (usually in therapy) to process the experience and undo the negative messages from the cult that have become incorporated into the self. The same may be true of adult children of parental alienation syndrome. Different Pathways to Realization There appear to be many different pathways to the realization that one has been manipulated by a parent to unnecessarily reject the other parent. Eleven catalysts were described by the interview participants. This represents both good and bad news. The good news is that there are many different ways to evolve from alienation to realization. The bad news is that there is no silver bullet or magic wand to spark that process. For some participants, it was a matter of time and gaining life experience. For others, it was the alienating parent turning on them and, for others, it was becoming a parent and being the target of parental alienation from their own children. For most, the process was just that—a process. There were a few epiphanies, but most experienced something like a slow chipping away of a long-held belief system, a slow awakening to a different truth and a more authentic self. Most gained self-respect and a connection to reality and were grateful to know “the truth.” At the same time, they acknowledged that this truth was hard won and quite painful. Once they were aware of the parental alienation, they had to come to terms with some painful truths, including that the alienating parent did not have their best interest at heart, that as children they had probably behaved very badly toward someone who did not deserve such treatment, and that they missed out on a relationship that may have had real value and benefit to them. Long-Term Negative Effects Not surprisingly, the adult children with parental alienation syndrome believed that this experience had negative long-term consequences for them. Many spoke of suffering from depression, turning to drugs and alcohol to numb the pain, failed relationships and multiple divorces and, most sadly, becoming alienated from their own children later in life. In this way, the intergenerational cycle of parental alienation syndrome was perpetuated. Wide Range of Alienation Tactics The adult children with parental alienation syndrome described a range of alienating strategies, including constant badmouthing of the targeted parent, chronic interference with visitation and communication, and emotional manipulation to choose one parent over the other. These same strategies were confirmed in a subsequent study of close to 100 targeted parents (Baker & Darnall, 2006). More than 1,300 specific actions described were independently coded into 66 types, 11 of which were mentioned by at least 20% of the sample. There was considerable but not complete overlap in the strategies identified by the targeted parents with those described by adult children. Working With Targeted Parents Social workers counseling parents who are facing parental alienation need to offer support, education, and guidance. The social worker’s primary role is to help the client become educated about parental alienation (what are primary behaviors that turn a child against the other parent) and parental alienation syndrome (what are the behavioral manifestations of an alienated child) so the parent can determine whether this is in fact the problem. These clients must be encouraged to look at themselves and their relationship with their children prior to blaming the other parent for their difficulties. If the conclusion is that parental alienation is at work, the targeted parent should be taught a series of responses to parental alienation that can allow the targeted parent to maintain the high road while not becoming overly passive or reactive. Such parents need ongoing validation and support in dealing with the pain and suffering associated with parental alienation. Working With Alienated Children Social workers who come into contact with children currently alienated must be self-reflective and aware so that they do not ally with the child against the targeted parent. A second concern is avoiding becoming intimidated or manipulated by the alienating parent. The child should be helped to develop critical thinking skills in order to enhance his or her ability to resist the pressure to choose sides. The targeted parent and the child’s relationship with that parent must be validated for the child. The social worker can be a role model who values and respects the targeted parent in order to counter the ongoing message that this parent is inadequate and someone to be discarded. In private practice, family service agencies, and school settings, social workers may work with clients affected by parental alienation. Some of these individuals may even be unaware of the source of their pain and suffering and/or uninformed about the name and nature of this phenomenon. Familiarity on the part of the social worker is the first step in providing the client with information, guidance, and hope when dealing with this complicated and painful issue. — Amy J. L. Baker, PhD, is director of research at the Vincent J. Fontana Center for Child Protection in New York City and author of Adult Children of Parental Alienation Syndrome: Breaking the Ties That Bind. Resources for Targeted Parents Amy J. L. Baker, PhD: Information about Baker’s book and e-paper, as well as links for Internet and face-to-face support groups for targeted parents and a free 45-minute video, www.amyjlbaker.com Custody Calculation: Web site with information about a program designed to help parents have input into the creation of custody orders, www.custodycalculations.com Divorce Support: Web site with information about divorce, www.divorcesupport.com Parental Alienation Awareness Organization: Web site with information about parental alienation, www.parental-alienation-awareness.com The Rachel Foundation for Family Reintegration: Organization offering reintegration programs and services for targeted parents and alienated children, www.rachelfoundation.org References Baker, A. J. L. (2007). Adult children of parental alienation syndrome: Breaking the ties that bind. New York: W. W. Norton. Baker, A. J. L. & Darnall, D. (2006). Behaviors and strategies employed in parental alienation: A survey of parental experiences. Journal of Divorce & Remarriage, 45 (1/2), 97-124. Baker, A. J. L. & Darnall, D. (2007). A construct study of the eight symptoms of severe parental alienation syndrome: A survey of parental experiences. Journal of Divorce & Remarriage, 47(1/2), 55-75. Gardner, R. (1998). The parental alienation syndrome: A guide for mental health and legal professionals. Cresskill, NJ: Creative Therapeutics, Inc. Langone, M. (ed) (1994). Recovery from cults: Help for victims of psychological and spiritual abuse. New York: W. W. Norton. Wallerstein, J., Lewis, J., & Blakeslee, S. (2001). The unexpected legacy of divorce: The 25-year landmark study. New York: Hyperion. FOR MORE INFORMATION ON SEE WEBSITE: www.socialworktoday.com/archive/102708p26.shtm/ |
Education
CE Credits
Education Guide
Social Service Directory
Treatment Center Guide
Podcasts
THIS IS A VERY IMPORTANT TOPIC, ESPECIALLY IF YOU THINK PARENTAL ALIENATION IS PART OF YOUR EVERY DAY LIFE. I UNDERSTAND THIS IS A LONG ARTICLE , BUT IT IS A MUST READ!! I HIGHLY RECOMEND THIS ARTICLE! IT IS PUT TOGETHER VERY WELL AND GIVES A GREAT UNDERSTANDING OF HOW PARENTIAL ALIENATION WORKS NOT ONLY ON A LEGAL STAND POINT BUT THE CHILD(RENS) MENTAL AND PHYSICAL WELL BEING, AND CHILDREN SHOULD ALWAYS COME FIRST!
THE FLORIDA BAR JOURNAL, VOL. 73, No. 3, MARCH 1999, p 44-48
Parental Alienation Syndrome:
How to Detect It and What to Do About It
by J. Michael Bone and Michael R. Walsh
Although parental alienation syndrome (PAS) is a familiar term, there is still a great deal of confusion and unclarity about its nature, dimensions, and, therefore, its detection.(1) Its presence, however, is unmistakable. In a longitudinal study of 700 "high conflict" divorce cases followed over 12 years, it was concluded that elements of PAS are present in the vast majority of the samples.(2) Diagnosis of PAS is reserved for mental health professionals who come to the court in the form of expert witnesses. Diagnostic hallmarks usually are couched in clinical terms that remain vague and open to interpretation and, therefore. susceptible to argument pro and con by opposing experts. The phenomenon of one parent turning the child against the other parent is not a complicated concept, but historically it has been difficult to identify clearly. Consequently, cases involving PAS are heavily litigated, filled with accusations and counter accusations, and thus leave the court with an endless search for details that eventually evaporate into nothing other than rank hearsay. It is our experience that the PAS phenomenon leaves a trail that can be identified more effectively by removing the accusation hysteria, and looking ahead in another positive direction.For the purpose of this article the authors are assuming a fair degree of familiarity with parental alienation syndrome on the part of the reader.(3) There are many good writings on PAS which the reader may wish to consult now or in the future for general information. Our focus here is much more narrow. Specifically, the goal is twofold. First we will describe four very specific criteria that can be used to identify potential PAS. In most instances, these criteria can be identified through the facts of the case, but also can be revealed by deposition or court testimony. Secondly, we wish to introduce the concept of "attempted" PAS; that is when the criteria of PAS are present, but the child is not successfully alienated from the absent parent. This phenomenon is still quite harmful and the fact of children not being alienated should not be viewed as neutral by the court.
Any attempt at alienating the children from the other parent should be seen as a direct and willful violation of one of the prime duties of parenthood.
The criteria described below are fairly easy to identify separate and apart from the court file. When there is uncertainty about any of them, these criteria can be used to guide the attorney in the deposing of witnesses as well as in their examination in court.Criteria I: Access and Contact BlockingCriteria I involves the active blocking of access or contact between the child and the absent parent. The rationale used to justify it may well take many different forms. One of the most common is that of protection. It may be argued that the absent parent's parental judgment is inferior and, therefore, the child is much worse off from the visit. In extreme cases, this will take the form of allegations of child abuse, quite often sexual abuse. This will be addressed in more detail in Criteria II, but suffice it to say that often this is heard as a reason for visitation to be suspended or even terminated. On a more subtle and common level, an argument heard for the blocking of visitation is that seeing the absent parent is "unsettling" to the child, and that they need time "to adjust." The message here is that the absent parent is treated less like a key family member and more like an annoying acquaintance that the child must see at times. Over time, this pattern can have a seriously erosive effect on the child's relationship with the absent parent. An even more subtle expression of this is that the visitation is "inconvenient," thereby relegating it to the status of an errand or chore. Again the result is the erosion of the relationship between the child and the absent or "target" parent. One phenomenon often seen in this context is that any deviation from the schedule is used as a reason to cancel visitation entirely.The common thread to all of these tactics is that one parent is superior and the other is not and, therefore, should be peripheral to the child's life. The alienating parent in these circumstances is acting inappropriately as a gatekeeper for the child to see the absent parent. When this occurs for periods of substantial time, the child is given the unspoken but clear message that one parent is senior to the other. Younger children are more vulnerable to this message and tend to take it uncritically; however, one can always detect elements of it echoed even into the teenage years. The important concept here is that each parent is given the responsibility to promote a positive relationship with the other parent. When this principle is violated in the context of blocking access on a consistent basis, one can assume that Criteria I has been, unmistakably identified.Criteria II: Unfounded Abuse AllegationsThe second criteria is related to false or unfounded accusations of abuse against the absent parent. The most strident expression of this is the false accusation of sexual abuse.(4) It has been well studied that the incident of false allegations of sexual abuse account for over half of those reported, when the parents are divorcing or are in conflict over some post dissolution issue.(5) This is especially the situation with small children who are more vulnerable to the manipulations implied by such false allegations. When the record shows that even one report of such abuse is ruled as unfounded, the interviewer is well advised to look for other expressions of false accusations.Other examples of this might be found in allegations of physical abuse that investigators later rule as being unfounded. Interestingly our experience has been that there are fewer false allegations of physical abuse than of other forms of abuse, presumably because physical abuse leaves visible evidence. It is, of course, much easier to falsely accuse someone of something that leaves no physical sign and has no third party witnesses.A much more common expression of this pattern would be that of what would be termed emotional abuse. When false allegations of emotional abuse are leveled, one often finds that what is present is actually differing parental judgment that is being framed as "abusive" by the absent parent. For example, one parent may let a child stay up later at night than the other parent would, and this scheduling might be termed as being "abusive" or "detrimental" to the child. Or one parent might introduce a new "significant other" to the child before the other parent believes that they should and this might also be called "abusive" to the child. Alternatively one parent might enroll a child in an activity with which the other parent disagrees and this activity is, in actuality, a difference of parental opinion that is now described as being abusive in nature. These examples, as trivial as they seem individually, may be suggestive of a theme of treating parental difference in inappropriately subjective judgmental terms. If this theme is present, all manner of things can be described in ways that convey the message of abuse, either directly or indirectly. When this phenomenon occurs in literally thousands of different ways and times, each of which seems insignificant on its own, the emotional atmosphere that it creates carries a clearly alienating effect on the child.Obviously, this type of acrimony is very common in dissolution actions but such conflict should not necessarily be mistaken or be taken as illustrative of the PAS syndrome; however, the criteria is clearly present and identifiable when the parent is eager to hurl abuse allegations, rather than being cautious, careful. and even reluctant to do so. This latter stance is more in keeping with the parent's responsibility to encourage and affirmatively support a relationship with the other parent. The responsible parent will only allege abuse after he or she has tried and failed to rationalize why the issue at hand is not abusive. Simply put, the responsible parent will give the other parent the benefit of the doubt when such allegations arise. He or she will, if anything, err on the side of denial, whereas the alienating parent will not miss an opportunity to accuse the other parent. When this theme is present in a clear and consistent way, this criteria for PAS is met.Criteria III: Deterioration in Relationship Since SeparationThe third of the criteria necessary for the detection of PAS is probably the least described or identified, but critically is one of the most important. It has to do with the existence of a positive relationship between the minor children and the now absent or nonresidential parent, prior to the marital separation; and a substantial deterioration, of it since then. Such a recognized decline does not occur on its own. It is, therefore, one of the most important indicators of the presence of alienation as well. as a full measure of its relative "success." By way of example, if a father had a good and involved relationship with the children prior to the separation, and a very distant one since, then one can only assume without explicit proof to the contrary that something caused it to change. If this father is clearly trying to maintain a positive relationship with the children through observance of visitation and other activities and the children do not want to see him or have him involved in their lives, then one can only speculate that an alienation process may have been in operation. Children do not naturally lose interest in and become distant from their nonresidential parent simply by virtue of the absence of that parent. Also, healthy and established parental relationships do not erode naturally of their own accord. They must be attacked. Therefore, any dramatic change in this area is virtually always an indicator of an alienation process that has had some success in the past.Most notably, if a careful evaluation of the pre-separation parental relationship is not made, its omission creates an impression that the troubled or even alienated status that exists since is more or lees an accurate summary of what existed previously. Note that nothing could be further from the truth! An alienated or even partially or intermittently alienated relationship with the nonresidential parent and the children after the separation is more accurately a distortion of the real parental relationship in question. Its follow-through is often overlooked in the hysterical atmosphere that is often present in these cases. A careful practitioner well knows that a close examination is warranted and that it must be conducted with the utmost detail and scrutiny.If this piece of the puzzle is left out, the consequences can be quite devastating for the survival of this relationship. Also, without this component, the court can be easily swayed into premature closure or fooled into thinking that the turmoil of the separation environment is representative of the true parent-child relationship. Once this ruling is made by the court, it is an exacting challenge to correct its perception.In a separate but related issue, a word should be said about the use of experts. First, it must be understood that all mental health professionals are not aware of nor know how to treat the PAS phenomenon. In fact, when a mental health professional unfamiliar with PAS is called upon to make a recommendation about custody, access, or related issues, he or she potentially can do more harm than good. For example, if the psychologist fails to investigate the pre-separation relationship of the nonresidential parent and the children, he or she may very easily mistake the current acrimony in that relationship to be representative of it, and recommend that the children should have less visitation with that parent, obviously supporting the undiagnosed PAS that is still in progress. If that expert also fails to evaluate critically the abuse claims or the agenda of the claimant, they may be taken at face value and again potentially support the undiagnosed PAS. If that professional is not also sensitive to the subtleties of access and contact blocking as its motivator, he or she may potentially support it, thereby contributing to the PAS process. When these things occur, the mental health professional expert has actually become part of the PAS, albeit unwittingly. Alarmingly, this happens often. Suffice it to say, if PAS is suspected, the attorney should closely and carefully evaluate the mental health professional's investigation and conclusion. Failure to do so can cause irreparable harm to the case, and, ultimately to the children.Criteria IV: Intense Fear Reaction by ChildrenThe fourth criteria necessary for the detection of PAS is admittedly more psychological than the first three. It refers to an obvious fear reaction on the part of the children, of displeasing or disagreeing with the potentially alienating parent in regard to the absent or potential target parent. Simply put, an alienating parent operates by the adage, "My way or the highway." If the children disobey this directive, especially in expressing positive approval of the absent parent, the consequences can be very serious. It is not uncommon for an alienating parent to reject the child(ren), often telling him or her that they should go live with the target parent. When this does occur one often sees that this threat is not carried out, yet it operates more as a message of constant warning. The child, in effect, is put into a position of being the alienating parent's "agent'' and is continually being put through various loyalty tests. The important issue here is that the alienating patent thus forces the child to choose parents. This, of course, is in direct opposition to a child's emotional well being.In order to fully appreciate this scenario, one must realize that the PAS process operates in a "fear based" environment. It is the installation of fear by the alienating parent to the minor children that is the fuel by which this pattern is driven; this fear taps into what psychoanalysis tell us is the most basic emotion inherent in human nature--the fear of abandonment. Children under these conditions live in a state of chronic upset and threat of reprisal. When the child does dare to defy the alienating parent, they quickly learn that there is a serious price to pay. Consequently, children who live such lives develop an acute sense of vigilance over displeasing the alienating parent. The sensitized observer can see this in visitation plans that suddenly change for no apparent reason. For example, when the appointed time approaches, the child suddenly changes his or her tune and begins to loudly protest a visit that was not previously complained about. It is in these instances that a court, once suspecting PAS must enforce in strict terms the visitation schedule which otherwise would not have occurred or would have been ignored.The alienating parent can most often be found posturing bewilderment regarding the sudden change in their child's feelings about the visit. In fact, the alienating parent often will appear to be the one supporting visitation. This scenario is a very common one in PAS families. It is standard because it encapsulates and exposes, if only for an instant, the fear-based core of the alienation process. Another way to express this concept would be that whenever the child is given any significant choice in the visitation, he or she is put in the position to act out a loyalty to the alienating parent's wishes by refusing to have the visitation at all with the absent parent. Failure to do so opens the door for that child's being abandoned by the parent with whom the child lives the vast majority of the time. Children, under these circumstances, will simply not opt on their own far a free choice. The court must thus act expeditiously to protect them and employ a host of specific and available remedies.(6)As a consequence of the foregoing, these children learn to manipulate. Children often play one parent against the other in an effort to gain some advantage. In the case of PAS, the same dynamic operates at more desperate level. No longer manipulating to gain advantage, these children learn to manipulate just to survive. They become expert beyond their years at reading the emotional environment, telling partial truths, and then telling out-and-out lies. One must, however, remember that these are survival strategies that they were forced to learn in order to keep peace at home and avoid emotional attack by the residential parent. Given this understanding, it is perhaps easier to see why children, in an effort to cope with this situation, often find it easier if they begin to internalize the alienating parent's perceptions of the absent parent and begin to echo these feelings. This is one of the most compelling and dramatic effects of PAS, that is, hearing a child vilifying the absent parent and joining the alienating parent in such attacks. If one is not sensitive to the "fear-based" core at the heart of this, it is difficult not to take the child's protests at face value. This, of course, is compounded when the expert is also not sensitive to this powerful fear component, and believes that the child is voicing his or her own inner feelings in endorsing the "no visitation" plan.Conclusion
All the criteria listed above can be found independent of each other in highly contested dissolutions, but remember that the appearance of some of them does not always constitute PAS. When all four are clearly present, however, add the possibility of real abuse has been reasonably ruled out, the parental alienation process is operative. This does not necessarily mean, however, that it is succeeding in that the children are being successfully alienated from the target parent. The best predictor of successful alienation is directly related to the success of the alienating parent at keeping the children from the target parent. When there are substantial periods in which they do not see the other parent, the children are more likely to be poisoned by the process. Another variable that predicts success is the child's age. Younger children generally are more vulnerable than older ones. Also, another variable is the depth and degree of involvement of the pre-separation parent-child relationship. The longer and more involved that relationship, the less vulnerable will be the children to successful alienation. The final predictor is the parental tenacity of the target parent. A targeted parent often gives up and walks away, thus greatly increasing the chances of successful alienation.The question remains: What if all four criteria are present, but the children are not successfully alienated? Should this failure at alienation be seen as nullifying the attempt at alienation? The answer to that should be a resounding "No!" It should be, but often it is not. It is very common to read a psychological evaluation or a GAL's report that identified PAS but then notes that since it was not successful, it should not be taken very seriously. Nothing could be further from the truth. Any attempt at alienating the children from the other parent should be seen as a direct and willful violation of one of the prime duties of parenthood, which is to promote and encourage a positive and loving relationship with the other parent, and the concept of shared parental responsibility.It is our feeling that when attempted PAS has been identified, successful or not, it must be dealt with swiftly by the court. If it is not, it will contaminate and quietly control all other parenting issues and then lead only to unhappiness, frustration, and, lastly, parental estrangement.1 PAS syndrome applies and relates equally to the nonresidential, as well as the residential parent. D.C. Rand, The Spectrum of Parental Alienation Syndrome. 15 Am. J. Forensic Psychol. No. 3 (1997).2 S.S. Clawar and B.V. Rivlin, Children Held Hostage: Dealing with Programmed and Brainwashed Children, A.B.A. (1991).3 M. Walsh and J.M. Bone. Parental Alienation Syndrome: An Age-Old Custody Problem, 71 Fla. B.J. 93 (June 1997).4 N. Theonnee and P.G. Tjaden, The Extent, Nature and Validity of Sexual Abuse Allegations in Custody Visitation Disputes, 12 Child Abuse and Neglect 151-63 (1990).5 National Center on Child Abuse and Neglect, Washington, D.C.: Department of Health and Human Services, 2998, Contract 105-85-1702.6 The appointment of a guardian ad litem, the appointment of an expert to conduct a psychological evaluation of the child and the parents, the employment of make-up or substitute access and contact, or an enlargement of same to the nonresidential parent, and as previously suggested by the authors in their last article, a consideration for entry of a multidirectional order. Walsh and Bone, supra note .3J. Michael Bone, Ph.D., is a sole practice psychotherapist and certified family law mediator in Maitland. He concentrates in divorce and post-divorce issues involving minor children, and has a special interest in PAS. He has served as on expert witness on these and related topics and has been appointed by the court to make recommendations involving PAS and families.Michael R. Walsh is a sole practitioner in Orlando. He is a board certified marital and family law lawyer, certified mediator and arbitrator, and a fellow of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers. For more than 20 years, he has been a frequent lecturer and author for The Florida Bar.This column is submitted on behalf of the Family Law Section, Jane L. Estreicher, chair, and Sharon O. Taylor, editor.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Overview
This dissertation summarizes the research of 30 court referred, custody dispute cases assessing the behaviors of the parents and their children to determine the presence or absence of Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS). The criteria to determine the parent and their children's behaviors is Dr. Gardner's definition of Parental Alienation Syndrome. The parents were placed in three categories (mild, moderate or severe) based on their symptoms and behaviors. Their children (59) were then categorized into three groups (mild, moderate, severe). This investigation seeks to determine additional information regarding the presence or absence of PAS.Reluctance by the courts and mental health community to accept the validity of PAS probably contributes to the perpetuation of the disruption of parent-child relations in custody disputes. Findings and Conclusions: It appears the data from this study corroborates observations and definitions of Parental Alienation Syndrome. The data from this study indicates that the parents in the mild PAS category have children who exhibit fewer negative behaviors toward the alienated parents whereas children whose parents are in the severe category exhibit more negative behaviors towards the alienated parents. This study found that the more negative behaviors a child exhibits towards an alienated parent, the more severe their parent's symptoms and behaviors. Consequently, there is more severe alienation from the alienated parent and the more disruption to that parent-child relation. PAS is a distinctive form of child abuse generally found in intractable custody disputes.