Web address: http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2012/06/ 120612101338.htm

A Father's Love Is One of the Greatest Influences On Personality Development

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A father's love contributes as much -- and sometimes more -- to a child's development as does a mother's love. (Credit: © detailblick / Fotolia)

June 12, 2012 — A father's love contributes as much -- and sometimes more -- to a child's development as does a mother's love. That is one of many findings in a new large-scale analysis of research about the power of parental rejection and acceptance in shaping our personalities as children and into adulthood.

"In our half-century of international research, we've not found any other class of experience that has as strong and consistent effect on personality and personality development as does the experience of rejection, especially by parents in childhood," says Ronald Rohner of the University of Connecticut, co-author of the new study in Personality and Social Psychology Review. "Children and adults everywhere -- regardless of differences in race, culture, and gender -- tend to respond in exactly the same way when they perceived themselves to be rejected by their caregivers and other attachment figures."
Looking at 36 studies from around the world that together involved more than 10,000 participants, Rohner and co-author Abdul Khaleque found that in response to rejection by their parents, children tend to feel more anxious and insecure, as well as more hostile and aggressive toward others. The pain of rejection -- especially when it occurs over a period of time in childhood -- tends to linger into adulthood, making it more difficult for adults who were rejected as children to form secure and trusting relationships with their intimate partners. The studies are based on surveys of children and adults about their parents' degree of acceptance or rejection during their childhood, coupled with questions about their personality dispositions.
Moreover, Rohner says, emerging evidence from the past decade of research in psychology and neuroscience is revealing that the same parts of the brain are activated when people feel rejected as are activated when they experience physical pain. "Unlike physical pain, however, people can psychologically re-live the emotional pain of rejection over and over for years," Rohner says.
When it comes to the impact of a father's love versus that of a mother, results from more than 500 studies suggest that while children and adults often experience more or less the same level of acceptance or rejection from each parent, the influence of one parent's rejection -- oftentimes the father's -- can be much greater than the other's. A 13-nation team of psychologists working on the International Father Acceptance Rejection Project has developed at least one explanation for this difference: that children and young adults are likely to pay more attention to whichever parent they perceive to have higher interpersonal power or prestige. So if a child perceives her father as having higher prestige, he may be more influential in her life than the child's mother. Work is ongoing to better understand this potential relationship.
One important take-home message from all this research, Rohner says, is that fatherly love is critical to a person's development. The importance of a father's love should help motivate many men to become more involved in nurturing child care. Additionally, he says, widespread recognition of the influence of fathers on their children's personality development should help reduce the incidence of "mother blaming" common in schools and clinical setting. "The great emphasis on mothers and mothering in America has led to an inappropriate tendency to blame mothers for children's behavior problems and maladjustment when, in fact, fathers are often more implicated than mothers in the development of problems such as these."

Three poisons for love: Manipulation, Intimidation, and Domination

15 Mar 2006 by Rod Smith in Divorce, Domination, Manipulation, Sex matters / 41 Comments

Stay OUT of control...

When people have to use intimidation, manipulation or domination, the relationship is already spoiled or poisoned. It has become a power play of control. Redeeming such a relationship is possible with the implementation of a wise plan, strongly re-defined boundaries, enduring commitment, and the possibility of a time of separation in order that perspective might be gained.
Willingness and desire to be together, equality between people and complete mutuality are the hallmarks of healthy relationships. Where any form of strong-arm tactics are used, the relationship has already taken a turn to become something harmful to both the parties.
Each of these relationship-poisons (manipulation, domination and intimidation) can be very subtle, coming in different shapes, sizes, and intensities.
Here are some of the evidences of manipulation, intimidation, and domination in a relationship:
1. The relationship has been kept on an unequal footing in order that one person might keep power over another. In a severely controlling relationship, both persons might have forgotten there are choices at all.
2. One person tries to get what he or she wants without declaring what is wanted. In attempting to get what the one person wants, both persons are in some way diminished.
3. One person does not see the other as totally free.
4. One person tries to get what he or she wants through threats or withdrawal.
5. It is expected that every move, thought, and feeling will be reported at least from the less-dominant person to the other. If one person is unwilling to tell all, it is assumed there is something to hide.
6. One person is not free to make plans without consulting or getting permission from the other.
7. One person in the relationship continually evaluates and examines the commitment and love of the other.
8. The dominant person tells the other how they should feel and usually re-scripts any division or disagreement into the appearance of unity.
9. One person feels at liberty to speak for both people and then, is offended when the partner wants to express his or her own views.
10. Desire for self-expression or a distinct voice (by one) is considered betrayal or a lack of trust (by the other).
11. One person expects unilateral support for his or her opinions, choices and desires, declaring somewhat of an attitude which says: If you say you love me then you have to love everything about me, under all conditions, and all of the time.
12. Difference in opinion or having different interests is considered a lack of love, or a lack of respect and commitment.
Simple definitions and a metaphor which might be helpful in considering the three “cancers” of relationships:
Manipulation: playing chess with another person or with people. Maneuvering as if life were an attempt to checkmate others into loving us or doing what we want.
Domination: playing chess with another person or with people as in manipulation. The difference is the dominator has removed the opponent’s pieces without declaring so in the first place.
Intimidation: playing chess with another person or with people where winning and losing comes with either the threat of punishment or actual punishment.
Healthy Relationships: There is no element of either winning or losing; they are not a game of chess at all and are free of tactics and agenda

How to Recognize a Manipulative Relationship

 

A manipulative relationship causes stress and unhappiness.

Recognizing a manipulative relationship is important to prevent the problems it can cause you. Such a relationship is destructive and will affect your ties with old friends and family. Knowing how to spot manipulative behavior requires determination. With that in mind, be prepared to invest the effort to master this skill. This process will require you to recognize the traits and possessiveness in your partner as well as evaluate the honesty and cycles of the relationship.

 

 

1. • 1
     Evaluate the truthfulness of the relationship. Be objective as you consider how things have changed since the start of the relationship. Be aware of any tension when your partner's name comes up with other family members. It is a major concern when everyone who is close to you is worried about your relationship. Think of how he makes you feel or how your traits have worsened during the course of the relationship. This is a sign that he is bringing out the worst of you.
   • 2
     Recognize any excessive jealousy or possessiveness your partner may portray. It is OK If your partner is protective of you, but if she is overly protective, that can be alarming. If she interrogates you when you are not home on time or if she questions you too much about every single thing you do or say while she is not present, then she may have a possessive attitude or personality. Being overly possessive is a dangerous sign that your partner is manipulative and controlling.
   •  
   • 3
     Watch for repeated cycles from your partner during the relationship. These cycles consist of committing a mistake, making a shallow apology and seeking your affection afterward. Think of a situation where he does something wrong and then asks for your forgiveness and then does something else wrong and sincerely asks for your forgiveness again. This is part of the control that he seeks by using your compassion to alter your judgment.
   • 4
     Recognize how you turn a blind eye to your partner's mistakes. Infatuation can be a good thing for the first part of a relationship. However, infatuation will often make you blind to her manipulative ways. Open your eyes and see the obvious warning signals, such as always apologizing and making up excuses for her behavior or becoming defensive when someone questions your relationship. If this is the case, chances are you already know there is something wrong with the relationship. Keep in mind that in a healthy relationship, you should have nothing to hide.

Read more: How to Recognize a Manipulative Relationship | eHow.com http://www.ehow.com/how_2165489_recognize-manipulative-relationship.html#ixzz2IfYMKnp9

Signs of Manipulative Personalities

                

Manipulators turn your emotions against you to get what they want.

If you have ever felt like your partner, co-worker or friend was trying to make you feel sorry for them, you may have been the victim of an emotional manipulator. People with manipulative personalities want to get their way, and they tend to do whatever it takes to get it. A manipulator's tactics may include bribery, teasing or guilt. Recognizing the signs of a person with a manipulative personality can help you avoid such people and instead seek out worthwhile, nurturing relationships.

 

1. Guilt

   • People with manipulative personalities know how to effectively use guilt to their advantage. For instance, your partner may say "You don't really love me" if you refuse to give in to his requests. He may exaggerate his disappointment and make you feel like you are the source of his unhappiness. He may use crying and tears to make you feel guilty. Even children can use this ploy to get their way. Emotional manipulators cast themselves in the role of the victim to make everyone around them feel sorry for them.

   Teasing and Bullying

   • Children and teenagers often use teasing as a way to manipulate others, although adults can use this tactic too. The manipulator may call you names, causing your self-esteem to suffer, until you give in to her demands. She may also threaten you, for example, suggesting that your relationship with her will end if she does not get what she desires. If you think that a person is making you feel bad on purpose, this is a sign that she is a manipulator.
   •  

   Bribes and Affection

   • Some manipulators pretend to be nice to you to get their way. A person may bribe you to go on a date with him, for example, by offering you a free meal, drink or other desirable item. She may use affection to coerce you into doing her chores or taking over her responsibilities. The manipulator will, rather than call you derogatory names, say that she knows you don't mind helping them since you love them so much. At first, it seems like the person is kind and grateful, but after she uses this excuse repeatedly, her true motives become obvious.

   Disrespect and Blame

   • People who manipulate others do not have any respect for their victims. A manipulator may ask his victim to do something he believes is unethical. When the victim protests or refuses, the manipulator continues to harass them until they give in. Manipulators are very passive-aggressive. They will blame you for things that go wrong because of their behavior. Manipulators try to appear innocent, even when they are obviously guilty, using others around them as scapegoats.

Read more: Signs of Manipulative Personalities | eHow.com http://www.ehow.com/info_8596011_signs-manipulative-personalities.html#ixzz2IfUQ2z1y

How to Detect Emotional Manipulation

By eHow Contributor

 

Emotional Manipulation

Emotional manipulation usually starts out subtle, so much so that many people don't detect a problem. As time goes on, however, the manipulator's tactics become more outright. The deal is that they need time to get you to have feelings for them, so that it is hard for you to break free. This way when they ask for another chance you will give it to them.

 

 

1. • To spot emotional manipulation you need to be aware, which means listening and looking for manipulation tactics. When a manipulator has years of experience they use words as their weapon of choice. They know exactly what to say and how to say it to get what they want.
     Understand that emotional manipulators don't care what you want. They may act as though they do, but know that they are also great actors. Many can cry on cue or act out fits of anger and not be angry at all.
   • 2
   • Emotional manipulators are charming and all your friends and family will like them. He/she puts on their best impersonation of a nice person around others. They continue this facade throughout your time together. This deception is how they make you out to be the crazy one.
     Your feelings are your best friend. If something doesn't feel right and you are feeling confused then you need to really pay close attention to what this person is saying and doing. When their actions don't match their words this is a bright red flag. They will say something like "Everybody makes mistakes I'm not perfect." This is a guilt trip set up don't buy into it!
    
   • 3
     Another emotional manipulation tactic is flirting'. They flirt' right in front of you then accuse you of over reacting. Naturally, then you're the bad guy/girl, they're just being friendly blah blah blah. They thrive on your drama, so they find ways to push buttons.
     Remember, in the beginning they're listening and watching, so they know what gets to you. You give them ammunition and they will use it! This is why you do not bare secrets early on. It's your secrets and fears that they use to make YOU appear unstable and unreasonable.
   • 4
     Look for doubt to set in, not in them, but in you. You will start doubting your own sanity. Did I really say that? Did I really do that? Emotional manipulation is all about making a person doubt themselves. This way the manipulator is always right and always gets their way. They are in control and plan to keep it that way.
     The use of guilt, anger, deception, intimidation, control and power will all come into play at some point. They will also be evasive, elusive and emotionally unavailable. There is no love only lust. Sad to say, but many people mistake lust for love and fall for this tactic head on.
   • 5
     Know that the worst part of this is that if you're around them long enough you will become like them. That's right, you become like who you're around. How do you fight back or survive if you don't use emotional manipulation tactics yourself? After all, manipulators don't play fair!
     Many times it ends in sadness and violence; emotional baggage to carry for life unless counsel is sought. To not fall for these emotional manipulators build your self esteem and confidence, so that their behaviors are unacceptable.

Read more: How to Detect Emotional Manipulation | eHow.com http://www.ehow.com/how_5834570_detect-emotional-manipulation.html#ixzz2IfSqjhUV

Manipulation in Relationships - The Seven Psychological Buttons on Our Backs

Are you particularly vulnerable to manipulation? Or, are you stressed by feeling constantly like you are dancing to someone's strings. Maybe at work, at home, or amongst your 'friends'. Chronically manipulated people tend to have a range of related personality styles that are both identified and used by manipulators. These are like buttons of control for the manipulator. The first step to reducing manipulation in your life is to recognize the buttons in you.
What are the main psychological buttons?
1 Having a very strong need for approval and acceptance
Nearly everyone wants to be liked and accepted. That is healthy and normal. But, many people, perhaps because of their genetic background and/or life circumstances, have a much higher need for approval than others. The higher your need, the more prone you are to manipulation.
A manipulator may keep those with a strong need for approval in a constant state of anxiety by never paying you compliments or finding anything good in what you do. Think of yourself as working hard all day to get a perfunctory pat on the head, or to get a disparaging remark about one minor fault after a whole heap of great work.
2 Fearing negative emotions
Some people are very sensitive to strong negative emotions, conflict, or confrontation. This means they modify their behaviour to avoid the anger or conflict. Nearly always at a cost to themselves or someone they are representing.
Some manipulators purposefully put on an angry look, or start to raise their voice, simply to cause confusion or stress in their victim. Think of the whipped dog, that cringes when a hand is slightly raised. It makes itself small and low, adjusting its behaviour in an attempt to reduce the perceived threat.
3 Being a people pleaser and hung up on being nice
There is nothing wrong with being nice. But, there is a problem when you constantly ignore your own needs for the sake of others. How do you know if you are a people pleaser?
Do you burst into a frenzy of activity to help someone just because they mentioned a need, then curse under your breath about how little time you have to get your own things done? Do you give much more to others than is given to you? Then you may be a people pleaser.
There is usually a strong element of "if I am nice to others- then they wont hurt me" in chronic people pleasers.
What about Mother Theresa? She gave a great deal of herself for others.
Mother Theresa was not a people pleaser (just ask those she negotiated with to get support for her efforts). People like Mother Theresa help others on their own terms and are in control of their share of any relationships.
4 Lacking assertiveness
If you find it difficult to say no, you may suffer from a lack of assertiveness. People who are poorly assertive are also likely to be people pleasers. You are in double trouble when you also have strong aversion to negative feelings as well.
Often, a lack of assertiveness is linked with sensitivity, and a fear of negative responses to your needs or wants. Saying no may make you feel anxious, nervous or uncomfortable. Also, you may feel exasperated and angry with yourself for being taken advantage of each time.
Many people have these feelings to some degree, but they say no anyway, when it is appropriate for them.
5 Having low self-reliance
People with low self reliance are very uncertain about their own judgment and abilities. Often, they have very little self direction in their lives. In previous generations, many married and highly capable women had reduced self reliance as they had not been raised to expect to be a master of their own destiny, especially outside of the home.
People with low self-reliance can usually be spotted by the way they constantly seek input into most of their pending decisions, often even simple ones.
Low self reliance makes you an easy mark for a manipulator as they will be there to control and direct you.
You can expect a manipulator to denigrate your areas of expertise and any decisions you make. Manipulators will often quickly steer you to areas of their own competence where they can demonstrate their vastly superior 'mastery' and add to your feelings of inadequacy.
6 Feeling like you have little control over your destiny
This is related to low-self reliance but differs in that the person feels the external world has much more control over how their life turns out than they do. In contrast, people with a more internal focus have a greater belief that they have a large degree of control over what happens to them.
Having an external control view of the world makes you both vulnerable to manipulation and depression.
A major factor in depression is feeling that you have little or no control over an ongoing unpleasant or dangerous situation. Being with a manipulator and believing that you have little control over life is a recipe for depression. Their manipulations and your beliefs will lead you onto a path of learned helplessness.
7 Having an under-developed sense of identity
Do you feel like you are somewhat insubstantial and that your character is small and insignificant compared with those around you? Are you uncertain about who you really are and what you stand for. Do you live your life more through others (including those on television) than yourself?
Many people have had a childhood in which their worth was continually denigrated. Or, in their sensitive teens, received continual negative feedback and comments. Such a background can stunt a person's development and weaken their sense of identity.
To a manipulator, such people are a wonderful amorphous lump of clay, upon which they can craft their own designs. Usually, to make you more compliant to their will and to get you to live your life more through them.
Summary
No doubt many of you reading this article will recognize that you have several of these buttons, These buttons tend to be interlinked around a lack of self confidence and related states. Most people have these traits to varying degree and this makes them vulnerable to manipulation. Being aware of these traits is the start to increased resistance to manipulation. The real problem for people occurs when these buttons are dominant parts of their personality. It is especially important for the victims of manipulators to realize that they can and should change.

It is much easier to change yourself than a manipulator.


Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/4155879

Remember

Every Test

From this day on, when I look back at the past

 

Be thankful

(¯`•.•´¯)¸•´¯`♥
.`•.¸¸.•´ ♥ Did you know the ones who are the strongest are usually the ones who are the most sensitive? Did you know that the ones who exhibit the most kindness are the first ones to get mistreated? Did you know that the one who cares for others all the time are the ones who need care the most?…❀ (Author unknown)

Emotional Blackmail:

When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You

Susan Forward, Donna Frazier

30 Reviewshttp://books.google.com/books/about/Emotional_Blackmail.html?id=8hc6I9tOJXcC

HarperCollins, Mar 4, 1998 - Self-Help - 272 pages

 If you really loved me..."
"After all I've done for you..." "How can you be so selfish..." Do any of the above sound familiar? They're all examples of emotional blackmail, a powerful form of manipulation in which people close to us threaten to punish us for not doing what they want. Emotional blackmailers know how much we value our relationships with them. They know our vulnerabilities and our deepest secrets. They are our mothers, our partners, our bosses and coworkers, our friends and our lovers. And no matter how much they care about us, they use this intimate knowledge to give themselves the payoff they want: our compliance. Susan Forward knows what pushes our hot buttons. Just as John Gray illuminates the communications gap between the sexes in Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, and Harriet Lerner describes an intricate dynamic in The Dance of Anger, so Susan Forward presents the anatomy of a relationship damaged by manipulation, and gives readers an arsenal of tools to fight back. In her clear, no-nonsense style, Forward provides powerful, practical strategies for blackmail targets, including checklists, practice scenarios and concrete communications techniques that will strengthen relationships and break the blackmail cycle for good

This is a form of control people.  Purposely provoking fear in you, and manipulation is emotional and verbal abuse.  Learn and understand what you are feeling and who you are dealing with, because knowledge is strength.  It will help you get through on your own rainy days of hell.

Jill

 

In sheep's clothing:

understanding and dealing with manipulative people

George K. Simon

46 Reviewshttp://books.google.com/books/about/In_sheep_s_clothing.html?id=MV-fjg3baSoC

A.J. Christopher, Sep 1, 1996 - Family & Relationships - 122 pages

"This book clearly illustrates the true nature of disturbed characters, exposes the tactics the most manipulative characters use to pull the wool over the eyes of others, and outlines powerful, practical ways to deal more effectively with manipulative people."

Controlling People:

How to Recognize, Understand, and Deal With People Who Try to Control You (Google eBook)

Patricia Evans

557 Reviewshttp://books.google.com/books/about/Controlling_People.html?id=4vKdrt8zcBkC

Adams Media, Feb 1, 2003 - Psychology - 352 pages

Learn how to 'break the spell' of control with Patricia Evans' new bestseller. Already hailed by Oprah Winfrey, Controlling People deals with issues big and small - revealing the thought processes of those who seek to control in order to provide a 'spell-breaking' mind-set for those who suffer this insidious manipulation. Invaluable insight and advice for those who seek support.

10 signs of a controlling relationship

My first marriage did not start out with my ex-husband showing his controlling personality until he had me hooked.  After 21 years the  overwhelming fear was the most agonizing day to day part of my life.  I hated going to bed at night because I couldn't sleep and being in bed with him waiting for another shoe to drop was agonizing in itself. When I didn't think the day could get any worse, it always seemed to darken and poor  hell. I hated waking up the next morning for it to start all over again. I felt like I was in jail, my own hell every day of my life, until I realized I needed to free myself and bring hope back into my life, so that I could take care of myself and my children. I still struggle daily because my ex-husband has so much control and manipulation over my children.  When you think life can't be any more painful than the agony you personally went through, your children rip it apart one heart break at a time, because the pain of watching them live in their own hell is worse than your own.  What I struggle with so much is that my ex-husband does it not only to control my children, but control me through them.  After 3 years I have gotten better at dealing with his control and destructive emotional behavior with my children, but I still find myself being controlled and manipulated by him even though I know better. Take it from a survivor, get out while you are still whole, and not broken in spirit, heart, and soul, like I was.  I made some terrible mistakes to get out that I now have to live with for the rest of my life. However,  it has made me a stronger person and gave me strength of character, love for all human kind, has made me non-judgemental, and has given me hope, freedom of will, courage and a brand new life.  God new what he was doing, and I  truly believe he had it planned all along, I just didn't know it until now.  Break free and find the freedom you deserve.    

 Jill

10 Signs of a Controlling Relationship

We are all products of our conditioning. Our beliefs, experiences and knowledge dictate the way we interact with other people and our own selves. It is common for some people to develop a manipulative or controlling personality owing to their deep seated insecurities and fears. If you happen to be in a relationship with such a person then you are likely to sense the signs of a controlling relationship.

In this article we talk about 10 common signs of a controlling relationship and provide suggestions on how to deal with it.

Signs of being in a controlling relationship

Most intimate relationships are controlling to a small extent because we undoubtedly link up our lives to them – this is true even in family relationships. The problems start when the relationship becomes excessively controlling to the extent of becoming a source of degradation. If a relationship does not let you grow then be sure that it’s toxifying you.

Being in a controlling relationship will make you feel suffocated sooner or later. Here are the signs to watch out for.

1.) It’s never about you – This is usually the most obvious sign. If you find that your preferences and likings are usually ignored or manipulated to suit the interest of your partner, and it becomes a habit, then you are being controlled in your relationship.

2.) You sense a stark possessiveness – It is common to feel protective and a little possessive in any intimate relationship. Humans are born possessive. The problem is with unhealthy or dramatic possessiveness where you start feeling strangled. If your partner is excessively jealous or possessive of you, then he/she will try to control your movements and might even dictate on who you should or shouldn’t interact or talk to.

Unable to take independent decisions – If you find yourself asking your partner’s permission, rather than having a discussion, for every decision then it defines a clear sign of a controlling relationship. Even in the most intimate relationship there should be room and space for personal growth and interests. A healthy relationship is not binding but liberating.

You find yourself apologizing too often – Is it always you who is apologizing even if you know it’s not your fault? This is a common scenario in any controlling relationship. In the long run you will start feeling a lot of resentment towards your partner for making you feel lowly all the time.

Doing what you would rather not – If you find yourself doing things you’d rather not do just to please your partner, then it a definite sign that you are in an acutely controlling relationship and your partner is well aware of your dependence. Your self respect and esteem would be deeply dented if you tolerate such abuse.

You sense resentment more than care – Do you see your partner being constantly resentful of you rather than be caring towards you? Any healthy relationship comprises of people who want happiness for the other person and there is usually no room for resentment. It is normal for resentment to take the face of manipulation in due time.

Your priorities seem to take a back seat – If you find yourself disengaging from the several other priorities in your life, like your friends, family and hobbies, in order to satisfy the needs of your partner, then you are clearly in a manipulative and controlling relationship. Your partner is most likely imposing his/her loneliness upon you.

Negative emotions surpass the positive ones – Do you constantly find yourself depressed, fuming, sad or frustrated with life? Intimate relationships should make you a more loving and cheerful person not the other way round. Negative emotions may be pointing to a deeper truth that your relationship is being toxic towards your life.

Fear seems to be the dictating emotion – What do you envision when you think of your relationship - Darkness or bright light? If there is an intuitive feeling of fear inside you regarding your relationship then it would suggest that you feeling strangled or congested. Fear is the dominant emotion in any controlling relationship.

You feel like breaking free – It is not uncommon for people stuck in controlling relationships to dream about a better life with a brighter relationship. This feeling arises because you have let your life be dominated by a relationship to the extent of losing touch with yourself and your needs.

These are signs of being in a controlling relationship, now we move onto part 2 on – how to deal with controlling relationships.

for more information visit: www.lovenemotions.com/relationships/signs-controlling-relationship.php

Characteristics Of A Controlling Person

Here's a list of common characteristics of a controlling person.....

.*Overemphasizes his/her importance
*Exaggerates to the extreme
*Greedy, only thinks of him/herself
*Lies extremely convincingly
*Projects an illusion of power that he/she does not have
*Lives in a world of distortion
*Switches from charm to killer instinct suddenly
*Prideful
*Presumptuous
*Pushy
*Defensive
*Inability to admit wrong
*Maniupulative
*Domineering
*Rebellious
*Stubborn
*Sows seeds of discord
*Hate (for those who question him/her)
*Uses fear and intimidation in order to cloud the minds of those they desire to control
*Uses threats to influence
*Needs to accomplish his/her will (at anyone's expense)
*Never takes any blame
*Brags excessively
*Criticizes others
*Preoccupied with self
*Bound with a fear of rejection
*Uses others (only to benefit him/herself)
*Possessive love (turns from sweet to sour if doesn't get his/her way)
*Vindictive and mean-spirited if doesn't get his/her way
*Continually collects ammunition to use in case he/she loses his/her grip on power
*Doesn't seem to have a conscience

What motivates controllers?

*They cannot stand to be wrong.
*They are motivated by insecurity.
*They have a need to feel power and authority, and they will do anything to achieve it.
*They have a need to be elevated, awarding themselves credit and titles.
*They feel they know more than anyone; therefore, they dominate converstations.
*They feel that no one can handle things as well as they can (not even God). Therefore, they take things into their own hands.
*Sometimes a controller becomes temporarily remorseful, but soon goes back to his/her controlling tactics. The learned behavior is deeply rooted, and the controller enjoys the taste of power.
*If you threaten their power and influence, they will seek to destroy you.

*This information is from the book "Confronting Jezebel, Discerning And Defeating The Spirit Of Control," by Steve Sampson.

How to Recognize a Controlling Person

 

Those who try to control other people are, simply put, neither nice nor respectful. While a controlling personality belongs to someone who probably has deeper issues, such as codependency, narcissism, sociopathic tendencies or just sheer stubbornness, none of these negative traits should be shouldered by you. Controlling people are selfish at the core, immature at heart and likely to put the brakes on your leading a fulfilling life if you're in constant close proximity to them.
In order to spare yourself getting too entangled with a controlling personality, or to awaken yourself to the fact that the controlling person is the one with the problem and not you, here are some tried and tested ways to help you recognize a controlling person and respond accordingly.

 

 Steps

1.  
   Consider how you feel around the people in your life before all else. Do you have any relationships in which you feel suffocated, bossed around, confused or distressed, or just plain fed up with being told what to do a lot of the time (and feeling very guilty that you keep giving in)? Is there someone in your life around whom you feel you have to tiptoe and be super careful to mollify or not anger? Do you know someone who seems to have "buttons" for going off at you at the simplest of things you say or do, often without rhyme or reason? If you feel that any of these situations have a ring of familiarity to them, then you may be dealing with a controlling person. In which case, read on.
   
   

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   • Controlling people can be both male and female; both romantic and platonic. Be just as wary of a jealous friend who hates your significant other as you are of your significant other, especially if your friend is unhappy with his/her romances.
   • Just because someone has a forceful personality doesn't make them a controlling personality. The test is: "Do they allow you to be yourself, or do they unduly influence your behavior". You should know this instinctively.
   • Distinguish people with strong boundary issues from controlling people by testing their reactions to other topics. If someone always blows up if they're touched without warning but doesn't react in a controlling way if you wear your hair different or lose weight or gain weight, etc., that is a boundary issue. Other people's personal choices such as changing religion, coming out gay or transgender, dieting, grooming or exercise are boundary issues. Even if you think you're right and they're wrong, someone who's sensitive on any of these subjects is holding a boundary when it's about what they do with their life and how they are treated. It's when they start telling you who you are, what to wear, think, feel and do that they're being controlling.
   • Don't feel too bad if you discover that you are sometimes controlling with other people in your life, especially if you grew up with a controlling parent. On a deep level, whatever you grew up with feels "normal" and it takes work to stop treating others the way you were treated. It's a big part of recovery to break the pattern in yourself. If you notice it at the time, it helps to back up and apologize to the person whose boundaries you crossed. This can save healthier friendships and relationships in your life.
2.  
   Look for moodiness. Moodiness is a key signal of a controlling person, precisely because those with moody personalities tend to be mulling over perceived hurts and injustices that have happened to them personally and seek to remedy their internal pain and improve their situation by controlling others. What better than having someone else run at your beck and call and having another person accepting blame or being afraid when you don't want to delve deeper into fixing your own source of pain?
   • Moody people tend to sulk or cast a pall of gloom right in the middle of a moment of happiness.
   • Narcissists will often throw a hissy fit when inadequate attention is being paid to them and their needs. This is a manipulative way of controlling that can be hard to say no to because the person will often say they are in pain/upset/hurting and the like, trying to make the other person feel bad for them.
3.  
   Suspect any person who has a temper and uses it often. Frequent temper outbursts, especially those accompanied by bullying (the coward trying to control others) or threats (easier to shout out dire warnings of potential harm to you than to investigate their own internal source of harm) are a sign of a controlling personality type. Temper outbursts often happen when you disagree with them (however lightheartedly or kindly) or don't do exactly what they want you to do (which can be difficult to glean sometimes, as many controlling people expect you to be able to "read their mind"). In their minds, you are challenging their authority over you when you either disagree with them or don't comply with their wishes.
   • Coupled with moodiness, the moody temper-throwing person can be a real handful because you never know where you stand with this misfortunate person. Unfortunately, their inability to handle and work through their anger or resentment can be taken out on you as physical, verbal, emotional or sexual abuse. Never put up with a person harming you; it is not your fault that they hurt inside; sadly, it is more likely that someone else in their youth behaved the same way toward them and they're perpetuating a bad cycle.
4.  
   Think about how this person reacts to being asked normal questions. Questions can reveal several things in terms of a controlling person when they respond in a frustrated or condescending way:
   • As already alluded to, a controlling person thinks that you can read their mind. If you ask basic questions about what to do together, where to go, what they want, etc., they can become easily frustrated because they expected you to have all of their needs thoroughly accounted for and placed ahead in priority over yours. Questions mean a decision still needs to be made, when the controlling person thinks the decision has already been made, all about them and for their convenience.
   • Controlling people often assume that they understand how you think, even when they actually don't. They may become frustrated because their constructed image of you is at odds with what you say.
   • Questions can irritate a controlling person because they would rather be in control of the questioning, not anybody else.
   • Questions can verify for a controlling type of person that the questioner is in need of guidance and control because they don't know the answer. This may actually become worse over time because the controller is seeking to have the controlled person second guess his or her own decision-making abilities.
5.  
   Listen for compliments. It is often the case that people with control issues are not very good at giving sincere compliments. They do not want you to feel good about yourself because it may take away control and draw attention away from them. Compliments, when given, are backhanded, snarky and actually point out some flaw or defect in the other person.
   • For example: Cassie is Maya's best source of feeling good about herself and she likes bossing Cassie around. So, Maya often tells Cassie that she is a good friend but never agrees to call her her best friend even though Cassie often refers to Maya as her BFF; in this way, Maya holds out the possibility but never confirms it. Cassie has a great body but Maya is annoyed by the attention that the boys give her, so Maya constantly tells Cassie that while she has a nice enough body, she shouldn't flaunt her looks because the boys are already talking about her behind her back.
   • Watch out if you are very attractive and the controlling person isn't very attractive. In this situation, it is possible for a controlling person to make your life miserable. Your looks will become a handicap in a controlling relationship, for they will will probably have a jealousy problem and will do their utmost to reduce your confidence in your appearance. For example, a mother may be threatened by her daughter's youth and try to make her daughter feel dowdy and frumpy, even assisting this by choosing her clothes or limiting her ability to choose them or wear make up, etc. Compliments rarely happen in the situation where the unattractive controlling person feels threatened by the other person's attractiveness; if anything, reminders of your flaws will be far more likely.
   • A controlling person may try to control the way you dress and speak, or they may even criticize your opinion.
6.  
   Be wary of any person who seems incapable of understanding or accepting the word "no." Controlling or not, this person is a problem but coupled with controlling tendencies, and you're bound to be walked all over. This person will tend to insist until they wear you down and make you give in, changing your firm no to a weak yes, and leaving you feeling guilt-ridden and ashamed of yourself. Remember that it is your right to make decisions, including ones that are in the negative and that refuse to do what this person asks.
7.  
   Consider what happens when you want to be yourself or do your own thing. Do you often find yourself altering your own personality, plans or views to fit someone else's, even if you are usually a strong person? If so, you might have been dealing with a controlling person. In terms of yourself, here are some key pointers to being in the position of getting controlled:
   • Does the person ignore, underplay or override your own experience or expressions of your own feelings? Controllers attempt to define your reality. If you say you're tired and the person says you're not, that's a good sign he or she is a controlling person.
   • Do you often find yourself expected to change your plans for this person? Let's say you have your day all planned out, and then you receive a phone call from a friend, and you tell them your plans. The person wants to join in with your plans, with the exception that your time doesn't work well for them, or maybe that isn't the place they want to go. The next thing that you know, your plans have totally changed. You end up seeing a movie that you didn't care to see, at a time that you didn't really care to go.
8.  
   Review how this person sees difficult situations, mutual decision-making or issues of responsibility. It is in these areas that you can truly spot the controlling person at full throttle. Unlike a highly opinionated person (who can be a pain in their own right but isn't seeking to control, just air their own opinions loudly), a controlling person lacks the ability to tolerate or accept differences between the two of you. Indeed, a controlling person is always seeking ways to change some part of your core traits or personality, reshaping you as part of their feeble attempt to control the world around them. While it could be said that relationships are not democracies, neither are they dictatorships. It is important to seek a balance you're comfortable with within any relationship and the ability to compromise, tolerate, be flexible and give and take both ways is essential to healthy relationships.
   • Most people who are controlling always throw in the argument the words, "you are the problem", or "you have a problem." Nothing is ever their fault.
   • Controlling people often have difficulty dealing with problems objectively and will manipulate the conversation to blame others when their own mistakes are pointed out. When this happens, end the discussion without allowing the controlling person to successfully shift their blame to you and/or credit away from you or others.
   • If you really love this person, the "bind" they've got you in can be even more difficult to both see and escape from because your love keeps trying to excuse their behavior.
   • Controlling people often demean or criticize others as a means of building themselves up and appearing superior and in control. In fact, a controlling person is easy to spot from the constant monologue about how rotten, stupid, evil, ridiculous, annoying, etc. everyone else is (presumably they're never any of these things).
9.  
   Look at what happens around your other relationships. When the controlling person is around your friends and supporters, watch out. The controlling person will often try to cause trouble between you and your friends, spreading rumors, attempting to create divisions (divide and conquer) and will even tell lies (exaggerations to be kinder) about you to them or about them to you, to try to break your attachment to them. The ultimate aim is to isolate you from others so that they can have you all to themselves, inside the reality they're trying to weave for you. Stay alert; any attempt to remove or downgrade your friends or supporters from your life is a red flag.
   • Avoid conversations about interactions, mutual interests and friendships/relationships where you are in the controller's presence. You know it will set them off and if you need to give the impression you're a hermit in their presence, then it is better than having your support network ripped to shreds by snide and uncaring comments.
10.  
    Check out this person's own personal friendships. Controlling people often do not have close friends, and rarely are friends with others who are more attractive, intelligent, or well-liked than themselves. They tend to be jealous of popular, successful people, and will criticize those held in high-regard by others. A lack of close friends may be one additional sign of their inability to tolerate others and their need to control relationships tightly.
    • Relationships and friendships are not built on who is in control. They are mutual interactions based on shared give and take and always seeking balance.
11.  
    Watch for abuse of administrative or social power, including when there are shared rights. A controlling person tends to keep up social and legal connections (such as threats of litigation, divorce, manipulating marriage, roommate tenancy contracts, shared cell phone plans, misuse of shared credit and similar contracts) –– especially if administrative rights are included. Even in social networks, one may block and unblock a person rather than delete the connection, as another attempt to control a difficult or failed relationship.
    • Suspect excessive generosity from a controlling personality as an attempt to impress and control you. By seeming to give you lots of things, so that you always feel like you're benefiting in some way, you end up feeling as if you owe them something, perhaps even long term. They then use that obligation you feel towards them to control you.

For more inforamtion visit: www.wikihow.com/Recognize-a-Controlling-Person

Characteristics of a Controlling Personality
Have you ever felt that your actions are being entirely controlled by your partner, or the person you are with? Do you often change your views and plans according to the wishes of someone else? If the answer is in the affirmative, you could be dealing with a controlling person. The article to come, points out more factors that define controlling people.
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Controlling individuals are concerned chiefly with their own interests, are immature at heart, and are likely to restrain you from leading a satisfying life if you are closely associated with them. Such a manipulative personality has its roots in troubles that deal with narcissism, an antisocial nature, stubbornness, borderline personality disorder (BPD), or histrionic personality disorder (HPD).

Although these people need help, one needs to be sure whether the person really has a controlling personality to begin with. With the objective of keeping yourself from getting embroiled, or to wake up realizing that the controlling person is the one with the problem and not you, here are the major behavioral aspects that such people may demonstrate. Based on this, you can either get help for them, or deal with their mood patterns before their problem becomes yours.

Possible Signs

Larger-than-life Image
People, who have a controlling personality always project themselves as victorious or heroic. More often than not, they will try to gain attention by telling exaggerated tales of supposedly "overcoming battles" in life. Secretly, these people believe that they deserve the attention and admiration and expect compliments from you on a regular basis. The story ends when they receive the appreciation,

even if it's superficial.

Shades of Green
A controlling person tends to be extremely jealous. He/she will keep asking you about the people you meet and the amount of time you spend with them. He/she will also demand the reasons for spending more time than required with a particular group. In the beginning of the relationship, such people may not show this trait, but as time passes, they will get jealous of your colleagues, or even your best friend. They will dictate to you about the kind of people you are supposed to meet. Pangs of jealousy and the kind of conditions your partner imposes are sure signs that he/she wants to control your life.

Mood Swings
Everyone goes through a bout of mood swings at some point; however, the problem with control freaks is that their mood swings are vehement and persistent. They know that tantrums and irrational behavior will certainly give them the spotlight that they crave for. Moody people show signs of suddenly sulking in spite of being a part of a happy occasion. However, when it comes to controlling people, they will throw a tantrum when they believe that their needs are not being fulfilled, thus compelling the other person to do what they want, or pity them.

Reaction to Questions
People with a dominating personality often get frustrated when posed with simple questions, like when and where to meet up, what they want on their birthday, and the like. For basic questions like these, they expect you to know their wants and needs well enough to put them as a priority over your personal requirements. They also get quickly flustered about questions they don't have an answer to. In situations like these, they often end up lying instead of telling the truth. The reason for their irritated responses to what seems like a normal question to you, is wanting to be the ones with the questions as opposed to presenting answers. Being the one to question means controlling and steering the wheel in a conversation -- something that they are comfortable with.

Incapability to Take "No" for an Answer
This quality gels well with all the pushovers out there, because controlling people are known for doing things their own way. Making decisions for others is what such people pride themselves for doing. Sometimes, this quality does take a serious route when they start threatening you on hearing a firm "no." This is an indicator that you should end the relationship, and stay clear from this person -- this will taunt his/her ego, so watch out. The only time such a person might allow you to take your own decision is when he/she knows it is not going to work out, hence blaming you for the consequences later.

Destructive Criticism
On the personal front, you will often find yourself talking, speaking, and even dressing the way these people want you to. This is mainly because they cannot stand the attention shifting to someone who is, say better looking than them. If you are getting showered with compliments, they'll pull you down with their sarcastic comments -- what they might call "honest" remarks -- by stating that everyone else is just lying. They feel threatened by the appealing nature of their colleagues or friends, and often encourage their peers to wear unflattering makeup, or a dress that will make them (control freaks) look better, comparatively.

Short-tempered Nature
Be prepared if at all you muster up the courage to disagree with them because if you do, you are bound to be on the receiving end of their fury, ranging from crude and sarcastic, to screechy threats and displays of violence. When you do not abide by their wishes, all they think is that you are questioning their authority, and hence they choose to throw tantrums by shunning you, or lowering your confidence by their behavior.

Unable to See Others' Happiness
One of the major characteristics that such manipulative personalities display is that these people cannot stand their friends' or colleagues' success stories. Often, they themselves do not have close relations with anyone for the same reason. Their desperation to be the center of attention wherever they go, is frequently evident by the fact that they keep themselves surrounded by people, who consider themselves to be less attractive, or unsuccessful.

Insecurities, the environment of one's upbringing, or a tragic past, often play a role in a controlling person's need for dominance over others' lives. If a person of this nature is your friend or a colleague, avoid him/her at all costs. If he/she forms an important part of your life, such as your partner, or family members, whom you cannot walk away from, do your best to convince them that they need help, and try to be their support system. Especially in the case of love, it is definitely not about controlling someone's life to the extent of driving them up the wall. So, if you are in a relationship with a person who suffers from a similar disorder, don't ignore it until it is too late.

Life is all about the choices we make. To have a happy life, you need to choose the right path. Do not worry about not meeting the right person, or having a perfect set of friends; the best is yet to come!

By Kashmira LadLast Updated: 1/4/2013
Read more at Buzzle: http://www.buzzle.com/articles/characteristics-of-a-controlling-personality.html