Domestic Violence: Shelters and Support

Safe Horizon is the largest provider of domestic violence services in the United States, and the largest provider of domestic violence residences for battered women and men. Our residents provide more than 700 beds throughout New York City, operating both emergency shelters for crisis situations and transitional housing where families may stay for several months in order to plan for a future free from violence. The shelters offer comprehensive services including counseling, housing assistance, life skills and parenting courses, childcare, and medical aid.
If you are a victim of domestic violence and are in need of shelter, please call our hotline.
Safe Horizon moves victims of violence from crisis to confidence

Call for help (llámenos para ayuda) 1.800.621.HOPE

 

 

 

More families seek help at local domestic violence shelter

 

Reported by: Sergio Avila

Email: savila@mynews3.com

Published: 12/25 5:55 pm

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Updated: 12/25 6:56 pm

 

LAS VEGAS (KSNV MyNews3) -- This holiday season has been a busy one for those trying to lend a helping hand to struggling families.

The Shade Tree says starting from Thanksgiving, it has seen an influx of children to the shelter like officials have never seen before.

Management at The Shade Tree says any type of stressers like the holidays could lead to an increase in domestic violence.

They say that could be part of the reason for more children ending up at their shelters, but they also feel more people are reporting abuse.

Even with the influx of mothers and their children, The Shade Tree has been handling it well.

The shelter is near capacity, but they do all they can to help anyone who needs it.

As unfortunate as it is to have that need grow, they see it as an encouraging sign because mothers and their children are leaving dangerous situations.

They attribute much of the increase to awareness because people are reporting being in abusive relationships more often.

Desiree Petersen of shade tree tells us there's no sign of that need slowing down.

“Usually it's about maybe 90 to 95 children we're seeing on an average week,” Petersen said. “I would say starting Thanksgiving around the holiday we saw an increase of children up to about 120, 130.”

Petersen says they have women as young as 18 and as old as 73 at the shelter.

Vera Johnson and her 3-year-old daughter, Dericka, came to the shade tree just a few months ago. She saw it as an opportunity to get back on her feet.

“They've been very helpful with me,” Johnson said. ”Now I'm working, and now I'm just trying to save some money and get in to my own place.”

On this Christmas day, volunteers from the Jewish Federation were serving up a holiday meal for these women and their children.

Although they're struggling, Johnson says these acts of kindness are uplifting.

“They have a lot of different places that come out here and provide their services and give us a good comfort feeling of that somebody out there cares, and it's wonderful,” Johnson said.

 

 

Help for abused and battered women: Domestic violence shelters

A domestic violence shelter or women’s shelter is a building or set of apartments where abused and battered women can go to seek refuge from their abusers. The location of the shelter is kept confidential in order to keep your abuser from finding you.

Domestic violence shelters generally have room for both mothers and their children. The shelter will provide for all your basic living needs, including food and childcare. The length of time you can stay at the shelter is limited, but most shelters will also help you find a permanent home, job, and other things you need to start a new life. The shelter should also be able to refer you to other services for abused and battered women in your community, including:

• Legal help
• Counseling
• Support groups
• Services for your children

• Employment programs
• Health-related services
• Educational opportunities
• Financial assistance

Protecting your privacy at a domestic violence shelter

If you go to a domestic violence shelter or women’s refuge, you do not have to give identifying information about yourself, even if asked. While shelters take many measures to protect the women they house, giving a false name may help keep your abuser from finding you, particularly if you live in a small town.

Help for Abused and Battered Women

Protecting Yourself and Escaping from Domestic Violence

Getting out of an abusive or violent relationship isn’t easy. Maybe you’re still hoping that things will change or you’re afraid of what your partner will do if he discovers you’re trying to leave. Whatever your reasons, you probably feel trapped and helpless. But help is available. There are many resources available for abused and battered women, including crisis hotlines, shelters—even job training, legal services, and childcare. You deserve to live free of fear. Start by reaching out.

Getting out of an abusive relationship

 

If you need immediate assistance, call 911 or your local emergency service.
For domestic violence helplines and shelters, click here.
If you're a man in an abusive relationship, read Help for Abused Men.

Why doesn’t she just leave? It’s the question many people ask when they learn that a woman is being battered and abused. But if you are in an abusive relationship, you know that it’s not that simple. Ending an important relationship is never easy. It’s even harder when you’ve been isolated from your family and friends, psychologically beaten down, financially controlled, and physically threatened.
If you’re trying to decide whether to stay or leave, you may be feeling confused, uncertain, frightened, and torn. One moment, you may desperately want to get away, and the next, you may want to hang on to the relationship. Maybe you even blame yourself for the abuse or feel weak and embarrassed because you’ve stuck around in spite of it. Don’t be trapped by confusion, guilt, or self-blame. The only thing that matters is your safety.

If you are being abused, remember:

• You are not to blame for being battered or mistreated.
• You are not the cause of your partner’s abusive behavior.
• You deserve to be treated with respect.

• You deserve a safe and happy life.
• Your children deserve a safe and happy life.
• You are not alone. There are people waiting to help.

Help for abused and battered women: Making the decision to leave

As you face the decision to either end the abusive relationship or try to save it, keep the following things in mind:

• If you’re hoping your abusive partner will change... The abuse will probably happen again. Abusers have deep emotional and psychological problems. While change is not impossible, it isn’t quick or easy. And change can only happen once your abuser takes full responsibility for his behavior, seeks professional treatment, and stops blaming you, his unhappy childhood, stress, work, his drinking, or his temper.
• If you believe you can help your abuser... It’s only natural that you want to help your partner. You may think you’re the only one who understands him or that it’s your responsibility to fix his problems. But the truth is that by staying and accepting repeated abuse, you’re reinforcing and enabling the abusive behavior. Instead of helping your abuser, you’re perpetuating the problem.
• If your partner has promised to stop the abuse... When facing consequences, abusers often plead for another chance, beg for forgiveness, and promise to change. They may even mean what they say in the moment, but their true goal is to stay in control and keep you from leaving. But most of the time, they quickly return to their abusive behavior once they’ve been forgiven and they’re no longer worried that you’ll leave.
• If your partner is in counseling or a program for batterers... Even if your partner is in counseling, there is no guarantee that he’ll change. Many abusers who go through counseling continue to be violent, abusive, and controlling. If your partner has stopped minimizing the problem or making excuses, that’s a good sign. But you still need to make your decision based on who he is now, not the man you hope he will become.
• If you’re worried about what will happen if you leave... You may be afraid of what your abusive partner will do, where you’ll go, or how you’ll support yourself or your children. But don’t let fear of the unknown keep you in a dangerous, unhealthy situation.

Signs that your abuser is NOT changing:

• He minimizes the abuse or denies how serious it really was.
• He continues to blame others for his behavior.
• He claims that you’re the one who is abusive.
• He pressures you to go to couple’s counseling.
• He tells you that you owe him another chance.
• You have to push him to stay in treatment.

• He says that he can’t change unless you stay with him and support him.
• He tries to get sympathy from you, your children, or your family and friends.
• He expects something from you in exchange for getting help.
• He pressures you to make decisions about the relationship.

Help for abused and battered women: Safety planning

Whether or not you’re ready to leave your abuser, there are things you can do to protect yourself. These safety tips can make the difference between being severely injured or killed and escaping with your life.

Prepare for emergencies

• Know your abuser’s red flags. Be on alert for signs and clues that your abuser is getting upset and may explode in anger or violence. Come up with several believable reasons you can use to leave the house (both during the day and at night) if you sense trouble brewing.
• Identify safe areas of the house. Know where to go if your abuser attacks or an argument starts. Avoid small, enclosed spaces without exits (such as closets or bathrooms) or rooms with weapons (such as the kitchen). If possible, head for a room with a phone and an outside door or window.
• Come up with a code word. Establish a word, phrase, or signal you can use to let your children, friends, neighbors, or co-workers know that you’re in danger and the police should be called.

Make an escape plan

• Be ready to leave at a moment’s notice. Keep the car fueled up and facing the driveway exit, with the driver’s door unlocked. Hide a spare car key where you can get it quickly. Have emergency cash, clothing, and important phone numbers and documents stashed in a safe place (at a friend’s house, for example).
• Practice escaping quickly and safely. Rehearse your escape plan so you know exactly what to do if under attack from your abuser. If you have children, have them practice the escape plan also.
• Make and memorize a list of emergency contacts. Ask several trusted individuals if you can contact them if you need a ride, a place to stay, or help contacting the police. Memorize the numbers of your emergency contacts, local shelter, and domestic violence hotline.

If You Stay

If you decide at this time to stay with your abusive partner, there are some things you can try to make your situation better and to protect yourself and your children.

• Contact the domestic violence/sexual assault program in your area. They can provide emotional support, peer counseling, safe emergency housing, information, and other services while you are in the relationship, as well as if you decide to leave.
• Build as strong a support system as your partner will allow. Whenever possible, get involved with people and activities outside your home and encourage your children to do so.
• Be kind to yourself! Develop a positive way of looking at yourself and talking to yourself. Use affirmations to counter the negative comments you get from the abuser. Allow yourself time for doing things you enjoy.

Source: Breaking the Silence: a Handbook for Victims of Violence in Nebraska

Help for abused and battered women: Protecting your privacy

You may be afraid to leave or ask for help out of fear that your partner will retaliate if he finds out. This is a legitimate concern. However, there are precautions you can take to stay safe and keep your abuser from finding out what you’re doing. When seeking help for domestic violence and abuse, it’s important to cover your tracks, especially when you’re using the phone or the computer.

Phone safety for abused and battered women

When seeking help for domestic violence, call from a public pay phone or another phone outside the house if possible. In the U.S., you can call 911 for free on most public phones, so know where the closest one is in case of emergency.

• Avoid cordless telephones. If you’re calling from your home, use a corded phone if you have one, rather than a cordless phone or cell phone. A corded phone is more private, and less easy to tap.
• Call collect or use a prepaid phone card. Remember that if you use your own home phone or telephone charge card, the phone numbers that you call will be listed on the monthly bill that is sent to your home. Even if you’ve already left by the time the bill arrives, your abuser may be able to track you down by the phone numbers you’ve called for help.
• Check your cell phone settings. There are cell phone technologies your abuser can use to listen in on your calls or track your location. Your abuser can use your cell phone as a tracking device if it has GPS, is in “silent mode,” or is set to “auto answer.” So consider turning it off when not in use or leaving it behind when fleeing your abuser.
• Get your own cell phone. Consider purchasing a prepaid cell phone or another cell phone that your abuser doesn’t know about. Some domestic violence shelters offer free cell phones to battered women. Call your local hotline to find out more.

Computer and Internet safety for abused and battered women

Abusers often monitor their partner’s activities, including their computer use. While there are ways to delete your Internet history, this can be a red flag to your partner that you’re trying to hide something, so be very careful. Furthermore, it is almost impossible to clear a computer of all evidence of the websites that you have visited, unless you know a lot about computers.

• Use a safe computer. If you seek help online, you are safest if you use a computer outside of your home. You can use a computer at work, a friend’s house, the library, your local community center, or a domestic violence shelter or agency.
• Be cautious with email and instant messaging. Email and instant messaging are not the safest way to get help for domestic violence. Be especially careful when sending email, as your abuser may know how to access your account. You may want to consider creating a new email account that your abuser doesn’t know about.
• Change your user names and passwords. Create new usernames and passwords for your email, online banking, and other sensitive accounts. Even if you don’t think your abuser has your passwords, he may have guessed or used a spyware or keylogging program to get them. Choose passwords that your abuser can’t guess (avoid birthdays, nicknames, and other personal information).

Protecting yourself from GPS surveillance and recording devices

Your abuser doesn’t need to be tech savvy in order to use surveillance technology to monitor your movements and listen in on your conversations. Be aware that your abuser may be using hidden cameras, such as a “Nanny Cam,” or even a baby monitor to check in on you. Global Positioning System (GPS) devices are also cheap and easy to use. GPS devices can be hidden in your car, your purse, or other objects you carry with you. Your abuser can also use your car’s GPS system to see where you’ve been.
If you discover any tracking or recording devices, leave them be until you’re ready to leave. While it may be tempting to remove them or shut them off, this will alert your abuser that you’re on to him.

For more information visit: www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_help_treatment

Domestic violence

Domestice violence shelters
By Sam Vaknin

Editor's Note:
This article is meant to be a general guide to seeking and finding help in shelters. It does not contain addresses, contacts, and phone numbers. It is not specific to one state or country. Rather, it describes options and institutions which are common the world over. You should be the one to "fill in the blanks" and locate the relevant shelters and agencies in your domicile. For help, refer to Hot Peach Pages.
Be sure to read Coping with stalking and stalkers for information on other options and getting help.

Shelters are run, funded, and managed either by governments or by volunteer non-government organizations. According to a 1999 report published by the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, there are well over 2000 groups involved in sheltering abused women and their off-spring.
Before you opt for moving with your children into a sheltered home or apartment, go through this check list.

1. It is important to make sure that the philosophy of the organizers of the shelters accords with your own. Some shelters, for instance, are run by feminist movements and strongly emphasize self-organization, co-operation, and empowerment through decision-making. Other shelters are supervised by the Church or other religious organizations and demand adherence to a religious agenda. Yet others cater to the needs of specific ethnic minorities or neighbourhoods.
2. Can you abide by the house rules? Are you a smoker? Some shelters are for non-smokers. What about boyfriends? Most shelters won't allow men on the premises. Do you require a special diet due to medical reasons? Is the shelter's kitchen equipped to deal with your needs?
3. Gather intelligence and be informed before you make your move. Talk to battered women who spent time in the shelter, to your social worker, to the organizers of the shelter. Check the local newspaper archive and visit the shelter at least twice: in daytime and at night.
4. How secure is the shelter? Does it allow visitation or any contact with your abusive spouse? Does the shelter have its own security personnel? How well is the shelter acquainted with domestic violence laws and how closely is it collaborating with courts, evaluators, and law enforcement agencies? Is recidivism among abusers tracked and discouraged? Does the shelter have a good reputation among them? You wouldn't want to live in a shelter that is shunned by the police and the judicial system.
5. How does the shelter tackle the needs of infants, young children, and adolescents? What are the services and amenities it provides? What things should you bring with you when you make your exit—and what can you count on the shelter to make available? What should you pay for and what is free of charge? How well-staffed is the shelter? Is the shelter well-organized? Are the intake forms anonymous?
6. How accessible is the shelter to public transport, schooling, and to other community services?
7. Does the shelter have a batterer intervention program or workshop and a women's support group? In other words, does it provide counselling for abusers as well as ongoing succour for their victims? Are the programs run only by volunteers (laymen peers)? Are professionals involved in any of the activities and, if so, in what capacity (consultative, supervisory)? Additionally, does the shelter provide counselling for children, group and individual treatment modalities, education and play-therapy services, along with case management services?
   Is the shelter associated with outpatient services such vocational counselling and job training, outreach to high schools and the community, court advocacy, and mental health services or referrals?
8. Most important: don't forget that shelters are a temporary solution. These are transit areas and you are fully expected to move on. Not everyone is accepted. You are likely to be interviewed at length and screened for both your personal needs and compatibility with the shelter's guidelines. Is it really a crisis situation, are your life or health at risk—or are you merely looking to "get away from it all"? Even then, expect to be placed on a waiting list. Shelters are not vacation spots. They are in the serious business of defending the vulnerable.

When you move into a shelter, you must know in advance what your final destination is. Imagine and plan your life after the shelter. Do you intend to relocate? If so, would you need financial assistance? What about the children's education and friends? Can you find a job? Have everything sorted out. Only then, pack your things and leave your abuser.

For more information visit: www.womensweb.ca/violence/dv/shelters.php

Recipe of the week is from Frontierwomen.com under main dishes/beef

The website has amazing step by step photos to help you.

Surf & Turf Cajun Pasta

Prep Time:

20 Minutes

Cook Time:

25 Minutes

Difficulty:

Easy

Servings:

4

Ingredients

• 4 whole 6-ounce Beef Filet Steaks 1 1/2 Inches Thick (or Any Small/petite Steak)
• Cajun Seasoning
• 2 Tablespoons Butter
• 3 Tablespoons Olive Oil
• 1 pound Jumbo Shrimp, Deveined & Shells Removed
• 1 whole Small Red Onion, Halved And Sliced
• 1 whole Green Bell Pepper, Seeded, Halved, And Sliced
• 1 whole Red Bell Pepper, Seeded, Halved, And Sliced
• 3 cloves Garlic, Minced
• 1/2 cup White Wine
• 1-1/2 cup Low-sodium Chicken Broth (more To Taste)
• 3/4 cups Heavy Cream
• 1/2 cup Parmesan Cheese, Grated
• 2 whole Tomatoes, Diced
• Minced Parsley, To Taste
• 1 pound Fettuccine, Rigatoni, Or Other Noodle

Preparation Instructions

Cook pasta according to package directions. Drain when pasta is still al dente; do not overcook!
Preheat oven to 425 degrees.
Season steaks generously with Cajun spice. Melt 1 tablespoon butter and 2 tablespoons olive oil in a large skillet over medium-high heat. Sear the steaks until dark golden brown on both sides. Remove to an oven-safe plate or dish. Place in the oven and continue cooking until medium rare, about 12 minutes.
Add additional 1 tablespoon butter and another tablespoon olive oil to the skillet and allow to melt/get hot. Season shrimp liberally with Cajun spice and throw into the skillet. Cook until opaque and deep golden brown. Remove to a plate and set aside.
Throw in onion and bell pepper, then cook for a couple of minutes until golden brown and color but still somewhat crisp. Add garlic and cook around for 30-45 seconds. Remove veggies to a plate and set aside.
With the pan over high heat, pour in the wine and chicken broth. Cook on high for 3 to 5 minutes, scraping the bottom of the pan to deglaze. Reduce heat to medium-low and pour in cream, stirring/whisking constantly. Cook sauce over medium-low heat for a few minutes, until cream starts to thicken the mixture. Add Parmesan and stir to melt. Taste and adjust seasonings as needed.
Finally, add vegetables to the sauce, making sure to include all the juices that have drained onto the plate. Stir and cook for 1 to 2 minutes, until mixture is bubbly and hot. Add drained fettuccine, minced parsley, and toss to combine. Splash in more chicken broth if it needs more liquid.
Mound pasta on plates and nest a warm steak in the middle. Arrange shrimp around the edge of the plate. Sprinkle with a little more minced parsley and serve!

Posted by Ree on September 9 2012

 

Utube: Love the way you lie music video

Domestic violence stories that involve drug and alchohol abuse

How Drug Abuse May Lead to Domestic Violence

What is Drug Abuse?

Narcotics – or ‘drugs’ – are defined as illegal substances whose usage, possession, and exchange is classified as criminal offense. Within the realm of narcotics, various types of drugs exist; each individual drug retains an individual level of additive properties, effects of usage, and physiological ramifications resulting from its respective usage. Drug abuse is classified as the illicit, improper, or excessive usage of illegal drugs, as well as controlled substances.

Controlled Substances and Drug Abuse

Controlled Substances are defined as items whose usage and possession is inherently legal only in the event that the individual in possession is in ownership of the expressed, authoritative permission to do so; individuals engaging in the usage or possession of such substances are liable to be charged with drug charges congruent with illegal drug charges.

For example, a prescription for pain medication from an accredited physician allows an individual to be in possession of such medication; the illegal sale of that medication to authorized individuals is considered to be a crime – regardless of a substance classified as illegal or controlled, addiction or excessive usage is classified as drug abuse.

Drug Abuse and Domestic Violence

Although an abuser may not be abusive in nature, drug abuse or drug addiction may elicit abusive behaviors and activities; the following types of domestic violence or spousal abuse may result from the effects of drug abuse undertaken by one or both partners in a romantic relationship:

Neglect and Drug Abuse

Drug abuse may lead to excessive usage or addition to narcotics, resulting in the irresponsible spending of monies or funds, as well as the theft of monies belonging to a partner of a romantic relationship. As a result, neglect is described as delinquency with regard to the provision of the well-being and welfare with a romantic partnership.

Emotional Abuse and Drug Abuse

Emotional and Psychological will typically include verbal insult or emotional debasement; the effects of abuse of this nature is considered to be amongst the most difficult to identify.

Sexual Abuse and Drug Abuse

Sexual Abuse may contain inappropriate sexual activity undertaken with a spouse or partner, including spousal rape, sexual harassment, and molestation.

Physical Abuse and Drug Abuse

Physical Abuse may include the assault, attack, and harming of one or both partners of a romantic relationship through the use of force, violence, or any other variety of physical means intended for bodily harm; physical trauma and injury are common effects of abuse of this nature

Reporting Drug Abuse and Domestic Violence

Despite the alarming numbers expressed within available Domestic Violence Facts, many Domestic Violence acts go unreported; in the event that an individual has been made aware of ongoing Domestic Violence, or has been involved within Domestic Violence cases that have occurred in the past, they are encouraged to contact their local authorities or law enforcement department in order to report the details of the offense:

A multitude of resources and assistance exist; please contact the appropriate government department, such as the National Domestic Violence Hotline through their 24-hour telephone number: (800) 799-7233

To report addiction or drug abuse, please contact the Partnership for a Drug-Free America through their telephone number (212) 922-1560

 

For more information visit:domestic-violence.laws.com/drug-abuse-and-domestic-violence

Related

 

 

 

 

Substance Abuse and Domestic Violence

Alcohol may increase the likelihood of violent behavior but it does not cause it or excuse it.

• If substance abuse were the root cause of domestic violence, then everyone in a substance abuse treatment program would be a batterer.
• Woman abuse does not necessarily stop when the abuser stops abusing alcohol and/or other drugs.
• There is no evidence that batterers are “hard-wired” for violence, nor that their socialization or choice–
making processes are not operational when using substances.
• For episodes of man-to-woman abuse, 22% of the men and 10% of the women report they had been using alcohol at the time of the violence. In three out of four episodes of woman abuse, neither party was intoxicated. (Kantor & Straus, 1987)
• The most commonly accepted concept is that the chemical properties of a substance act on an element of the brain responsible for inhibiting violence, yet no such inhibition center has ever been located in the brain and thus this concept has been challenged by many experts.
• If dis-inhibition explained the relationship between substance abuse and woman abuse, we would expect batterers who were substance abusers to be non-violent when their substance use was terminated.
• Abstinent and recovering substance abusers are well represented in domestic violence courts and batterers programs.

Discussions of risk factors and divergent perspectives on substance abuse and woman abuse are a major concern. These perspectives may shift the responsibility for woman abuse from the abuser to another factor. These factors could then be targeted for prevention or treatment, ignoring key issues of gender and power, and most importantly avoiding the issue of accountability. Woman abuse is a choice that men make in a society which supports men’s power and control.
Another commonly held notion which studies do not support, is that men who batter are very intoxicated and are therefore “out of control” when they batter. Despite the impairment in men’s lives caused by alcohol and drugs, domestic violence remains a matter of choice, a “guided doing.”

Other perspectives of the substance – violence relationship may be viewed as:

• An excuse – batterers claim that violent behavior is caused by substance abuse rather that the self
• A power motive – Alcohol-aggression relationship is conditional upon individual power needs
• Situational – a battered woman may use substances with her abuser in an attempt to manage his violence and increase her own safety or she may be forced to use substances with her batterer.
• Partial to certain characteristics – Alcohol abuse increases the chances of woman abuse in those men who already approved of situational violence against women…heavy drinking was associated with woman abuse only for those men with a high levels of hostility…
• Effective across generations – Substance abuse and woman abuse are learned through observation.
Parental substance abuse and parental woman abuse may impact the development of children, increasing the chances of a child growing up to be an abuser, a victim of abuse and/or a substance abuser.
For more information visit:sccadvasa.org/domestic-violence-facts-and-stats/substance-abuse...

Connections Between Substance Use and Family Violence

By Elizabeth Hartney, About.com Guide

Updated July 15, 2011

About.com Health's Disease and Condition content is reviewed by the Medical Review Board

See More About:

• domestic violence
• drug addiction

Substance Use and Family Violence

Image (c) Colin Adamson

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The connection between substance use and family violence, also known as domestic violence, has been well-known for many years. But the connection is not straightforward, and alcohol and drug use affects individuals, families and relationships in many complex ways.
Some of the major ways that substance use and family violence are related are outlined here.

Childhood Abuse

There are many types of family violence, and one of the most common is childhood abuse. There is a high incidence of physical, emotional, and sexual abuse in childhood among people who have problems with alcohol and drugs. One of the great ironies of childhood abuse is that people who become abusers in adulthood, and those who are victims in abusive relationships in adulthood, are more likely to have been abused as children.

Using Substances to Cope With Abuse

Use of alcohol, medications, and calming drugs can help people who are victimized by family violence or are in other abusive relationships. Alcohol and many other drugs, such as opiates, have a temporary pain-relieving effect. People who have been injured through family violence often do not seek medical help, and may use alcohol and drugs to cope.
These drugs are also effective in temporarily relieving emotional pain. The temporary nature of the drug effect feeds the cycle of addiction, as the user will often experience a rebound effect after the drug wears off, resulting in greater physical and emotional pain.

Drugs Lower Inhibition and Impulse Control

People who are under the influence of alcohol and other drugs are more likely to abuse their partners and children, whether they are aware of the violence they are inflicting on their family members or not. The disinhibiting effects of alcohol and other drugs may make it more likely that someone who is already experiencing frustration or anger will lash out. Also, because alcohol and other drugs affect people's abilities to think clearly about what they are doing, they are more likely to make errors in judgement when under the influence.

Some Important Considerations

• Alcohol and drug use do not cause family violence.
• Many people use alcohol and drugs and are never violent, and many are protective of their families.
• Many people who have been abused in childhood do not use alcohol or drugs.

If You Have Experienced Family Violence, Get Help

Professionals who work with victims of family violence are well aware of the link between substance abuse and family violence. Particularly if you are in a long-term abusive relationship, you may feel alone and that no one will understand or help you. But there is help available, which can be accessed through many sources. If you are not sure who to turn to for help, here are some ideas:

• Your local police station
• Your family doctor
• The emergency room at your local hospital, particularly if you think you may have been injured
• A hotline, such as the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233 ; 800-787-3224 (TTY for the deaf)

Many places also have a range of services for people in abusive relationships and those experiencing family violence. These may include:

• Shelters -- often for women and children fleeing abuse
• Social Services -- social workers can help you access safety and resources
• Family counseling services
• Family resource centers, which can help with all aspects of parenting and family support
• Churches

Barriers to Getting Help

In rare cases, people in abusive relationships are physically prevented from accessing help from the outside world. Much more often, the barriers to getting help are in the minds of the victims of family violence. These barriers feel real and are understandable, but you owe it to yourself and your children to overcome them:

• Shame and embarrassment
  
• Fear of getting into trouble, getting your partner into trouble, or your partner coming after you. The best way to protect yourself and your children is to get away from an abuser and to tell the full story to people who can help you.
  
• Financial dependence on an abusive partner. Your partner may well have financial responsibilities to you and your children, whether or not you stay in the relationship.
  
• Love of, or fear of losing your partner. Abuse is not based on love. Your best chance of a loving relationship with your partner is for him or her to get help and for the victim to find a way to be safe.
  
• Denial that the abuse is serious, that it will happen again, or that you or your partner has a problem with alcohol, drugs or an addiction.
  
• Enabling your partner -- both to continue with their addictive behavior, and to continue with the abuse.

If you or a child or another person has been injured by a violent family member, call 911.

for more information please visit: addictions.about.com/od/familyrelationships/a/domesticviolence.htm

Domestic Violence & Substance Abuse

Domestic violence is the use of intentional emotional, psychological, sexual, or physical force by one family member or intimate partner to control another.
Violent acts include verbal, emotional, and physical intimidation; destruction of the victim's possessions; maiming or killing pets; threats; forced sex; and slapping, punching, kicking, choking, burning, stabbing, shooting, and killing victims.
Spouses, parents, stepparents, children, siblings, elderly relatives, and intimate partners may all be targets of domestic violence.
Defining The Problem


In the United States, a woman is beaten every 15 seconds. 30 percent of female trauma patients (excluding traffic accident victims) have been victims of domestic violence.
Medical costs associated with injuries done to women by their partner’s total more than $44 million annually.
Much like patterns of substance abuse, violence between intimate partners tends to escalate in frequency and severity over time.
Severe physical assaults of women occur in 8 percent to 13 percent of all marriages; in two-thirds of these relationships, the assaults reoccur. These findings underscore the importance of identifying and intervening in domestic violence situations as early as possible.
CHILDREN AT RISK


An estimated three million children witness acts of violence against their mothers every year, and many come to believe that violent behavior is an acceptable way to express anger, frustration, or a will to control.
Some researchers believe, in fact, that violence in the family of origin is consistently linked with abuse or victimization as an adult.
The rate at which violence is carried across generations in the general population has been estimated to be 30 to 40 percent.
Although these figures represent probabilities, not absolutes, they suggest to some that 3 or 4 of every 10 children who observe or experience violence in their families are at increased risk for becoming involved in a violent relationship in adulthood.



Identifying The Connections


Researchers have found that one fourth to one half of men who commit acts of domestic violence also have substance abuse problems.
A recent survey of public child welfare agencies conducted by the National Committee to Prevent Child Abuse found that as many as 80 percent of child abuse cases are associated with the use of alcohol and other drugs, and the link between child abuse and other forms of domestic violence is well established.

Research indicates that women who abuse alcohol and use illegal drugs are more likely to become victims of domestic violence. Research also shows that these women are more likely to abuse prescription drugs and become dependent on tranquilizers, sedatives, stimulants, and painkillers.
Evidence Of Connection Between Domestic Violence & Substance Abuse

• About 40 percent of children from violent homes believe that their fathers had a drinking problem and that they were more abusive when drinking.
  
  
• Childhood physical abuse is associated with later teen drug abuse.
  
• Fifty percent of batterers are believed to have had "addiction" problems.
  
  
• Substance abuse by one parent increases the likelihood that the substance-abusing parent will be unable to protect children if the other parent is violent.
  
  
• A study conducted by the "Department of Justice" of Murder in Families found that more than half of defendants accused of murdering their spouses, as well as almost half of the victims, had been drinking alcohol at the time of the incident.
  
  
• Teachers have reported a need for protective services three times more often for children who are being raised by someone with an addiction than for other children.
  
  
• Alcoholic women are more likely to report a history of childhood physical and emotional abuse than are nonalcoholic women.
  
  
• Women in recovery are likely to have a history of violent trauma and are at high risk of being diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder.

MORE CONNECTIONS

• Self-Medication: Alcohol and drugs may be used to cope with the physical, emotional and/or psychological pain of family violence.
  
  
• Reduced Inhibitions: Alcohol and drugs are seen as reducing behavioral inhibitions so that socially unacceptable behavior such as aggression is more likely to occur.
  
  
• Learned Association: We learn in our families and social groups that certain events or behaviors are connected and expected.
  
  
• Denial: Often abusive individuals excuse their violent behavior, and are even excused by their partners and other family members because they were drunk and "not in control."

Research supports the connection between substance abuse and domestic violence. Members of families in which one or both parents abuse substances are considered to be at high risk for physically abusing and neglecting their children.
Persons who have experienced family violence are at greater risk for alcohol and other drug problems than those who do not.
Evidence suggests that children who run away from violent homes are at risk of further victimization and substance abuse as well as other problems.



Both Domestic Violence And Substance Abuse

• Are persuasive social and health problems
• Cut across all demographic categories
• Are potentially life threatening
• Are often intergenerational
• Tend to become progressively worse
• Affect all family members
• Typically involve denial by all parties
• Result in social isolation for individuals and families
• Often lead to other kinds of problems (legal, financial, health)

IF YOU HAVE BEEN A VICTIM

• Family violence does not necessarily stop when the batterer stops abusing alcohol and/or other drugs.
  
  
• Using alcohol or other drugs to cope with the effects of family violence can lead to further problems, including drug dependency and possibly increased vulnerability to violence.
  
  
• Both family violence and substance abuse problems often require assistance beyond the family for protection, support, and treatment.
  
  
• Attempting to deal with one problem without addressing the other can cause a false sense of security.

For more information please view: www.drug-alcohol-addiction-recovery.com/domestic-violence.html

MERRY CRHISTMAS TO EVERYONE AROUND THE WORLD. THANK YOU FOR FOLLOWING MY BLOG.  LETS KEEP THE FIRE BURNING FOR UNDERSTANDING, KNOWLEDGE, STRENGTH, HOPE, COURAGE, FREEDOM AND LOVE.  Jill

Men who hate women

Posted on March 18, 2012 by Human

Misogynist narcissists

Heterosexual women bear the brunt of narcissistic heterosexual men’s hostility, according to a 2010 study.

 

 

 

 

 

A man with attitude

 

 

Heterosexual women bear the brunt of narcissistic heterosexual men's hostility, while heterosexual men, gay men and lesbian women provoke a softer reaction, according to psychologist Dr Scott Keiller from Kent State University at Tuscarawas in the US. This is likely to be due to women's unparalleled potential for gratifying, or frustrating, men's narcissism. They are crucial players and even gatekeepers in men's quests for sexual pleasure, patriarchal power and status. Dr Keiller's findings are published online in Springer's journal Sex Roles.

Research to date has shown that narcissists' low empathy, feelings of entitlement, and perceptions of being deprived of 'deserved' admiration and gratification can make them prone to aggression and vengeance.
Dr Keiller's study looks at whether narcissists' hostility is targeted at heterosexual women and men, gay men and lesbian women in the same way and with the same intensity. Each group represents a different combination of perceived conformity to traditional gender roles on the one hand, and potential for gratifying a heterosexual man on the other.
A total of 104 male undergraduates, aged 21 years on average, from a large university in the Midwest US took part in the study survey. Keiller looked at measures of narcissism, sexist attitudes toward women and traditional female stereotypes, sexist attitudes toward men and heterosexual male stereotypes, and attitudes toward gay men and lesbian women.
He found that men's narcissism was linked most strongly to hostility toward heterosexual women, more so than toward any other group including heterosexual men, gay men and lesbian women. In fact, men's narcissism was linked to favourable attitudes toward lesbians and was unrelated to attitudes toward gay men. Narcissism was not, however, associated with greater acceptance of homosexuality in general.
According to the author, these results suggest that narcissistic men believe that heterosexual relationships should be patriarchal rather than egalitarian.
Dr Keiller concludes: 'The present study suggests that heterosexual men's narcissism is linked to an adversarial and angry stance toward heterosexual women more than toward other groups. Although narcissists may want to maintain feelings of superiority and power over all people, narcissistic heterosexual men are particularly invested in subordinating heterosexual women. The results suggest that narcissistic hostility is associated with a group's potential to provide or withhold gratification rather than ideology about a group's sexual orientation or conformity to heterosexual gender roles.'

For More information visit: psychopathresistance.wordpress.com/2012/03/18/men-who-hate-women

What Causes a Man to Hate Women?

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A man's hatred for women can turn to violence.

Hatred can range from a general attitude to actual violence. Men who hate women are usually conditioned by their culture, family or actions perpetrated against them by a woman specifically or women in general. Hatred of women is a complex psychological condition that can originate from a variety of psychological causes but can often be treated by a trained therapist.

  

Other People Are Reading

1. Emotional Roots of Hatred of Women

   • According to Dr. Stephen Diamond, clinical and forensic psychologist and the author of "Anger, Madness, and the Daimonic: The Psychological Genesis of Violence, Evil, and Creativity," frustration and loneliness can beget rage and violence. Because a man is born alone, walks through life as an individual and dies alone, he often endeavors to relieve his sense of loneliness by reaching out to others. When men can't get their need for companionship, comfort, love and sex met by others, the resulting frustration can turn to bitterness, resentment and, ultimately, hate and revulsion. When a man's attempts are met with rejection or abandonment, whether intentional or not, he may end up feeling powerless and projecting his anger at women in general.

   Cultural Roots of Hatred of Women

   • Some cultures consider women to be of less value than men and some even believe women to be evil. In some tribes, men believe their wives' bodies are poisonous and can contaminate them as they sleep. In other cultures, women are thought to be a particular type of destructive evil created by the Devil himself. Other societies simply view women as lower-class citizens, useful for little more than sexual pleasure and servitude. These attitudes are perpetuated from generation to generation, resulting in a pervasive hatred and disdain for all females.
     Some religions and folklore may be responsible for a man hating women. Many religious texts attribute the ills of man to a woman or women in general. Fairy tales often tell of female witches or evil stepmothers but rarely include sins committed by warlocks or evil stepfathers.
   •  
   • Abuse
   • Men who have been abused -- sexually, physically or emotionally -- may also develop an aversion toward women that can turn to hate. Incest or sexual abuse in childhood by a woman can traumatize a boy and confuse his sexual identity. He may loathe women and seek to humiliate them or turn to other men for comfort and love. In his book, "Perversion: The Erotic Form of Hatred," Dr. Robert J. Stoller posits that childhood trauma can result in unusual sexual preferences, such as sadism.

   Other Causes of Hatred of Women

   • Because the human psyche is intricate and unique, myriad causes could combine to produce a hatred of women. A man could experience humiliation from a female authority figure or shame from female schoolmates, or feel threatened by women whom he feels seek to overtake what he perceives as his role in society.

Read more: What Causes a Man to Hate Women? | eHow.com http://www.ehow.com/info_8546071_causes-man-hate-women.html#ixzz2FPvt7zFK

Is this the way love is supposed to feel?• Does the man you love assume the right to control how you live and behave? • Have you given up important activities or people to keep him happy? • Is he extremely jealous and possessive? • Does he switch from charm to anger without warning? • Does he belittle your opinions, your feelings, or your accomplishments? • Does he withdraw love, money, approval, or sex to punish you? • Does he blame you for everything that goes wrong in the relationship? • Do you find yourself “walking on eggs” and apologizing all the time? If the questions here reveal a familiar pattern, you may be in love with a misogynist — a man who loves you, yet causes you tremendous pain because he acts as if he hates you. In this superb self-help guide, Dr. Susan Forward draws on case histories and the voices of men and women trapped in these negative relationships to help you understand your man’s destructive pattern and the part you play in it. She shows how to break the pattern, heal the hurt, regain your self-respect, and either rebuild your relationship or find the courage to love a truly loving man

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  Men  Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them : When Loving Hurts and You Don't Know Why

          

 

Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life

Are you the child of toxic parents?
When you were a child...

• Did your parents tell you you were bad or worthless?
• Did your parents use physical pain to discipline you?
• Did you have to take care of your parents because of their problems?
• Were you often frightened of your parents?
• Did your parents do anything to you that had to be kept secret?

Now that you’re an adult...

• Do your parents still treat you as if you were a child?
• Do you have intense emotional or physical reactions after spending time with your parents?
• Do your parents control you with threats or guilt? Do they manipulate you with money?
• Do you feel that no matter what you do, it’s never good enough for your parents?

In this remarkable self-help guide, Dr. Susan Forward draws on case histories and the real-life voices of adult children of toxic parents to help you free yourself from the frustrating patterns of your relationship with your parents — and discover a new world of self-confidence, inner strength, and emotional independence.

A guide to overcoming the hurtful legacy of toxic parents and reclaiming your life by the bestselling authors of Men Who Hate Women And The Women Who Love Them.

 

 

I was asked to post this utube video on my Blog by Jerome C. to share awareness of domestic violence.  I don't like some of the language in this song, but it has a great, yet sad message.
If you have something you would like me to share please email me at freedomgiveshope+gmail.com  and I will be happy to post your message.  Jill

To all the familes that lost a loved one in today's school shooting in CT, Hold on to your faith and keep your loved ones close.  God Bless You.  Jill

Luka:

Why: A song about domestic violence

I won't cry

Utube: How BPD forms in a child, goes with utube video no tough love with borderline personality disorder

No tough love with borderline personality disorder, goes with utube video How Borderline personality disorder forms in a child by Tami Green

I am posting on this subject today because I fear my daughter could develop this disorder, and I am trying to catch it now to help her, she is only 7, but has all the symptoms, although a person cannot be diagnosed with a personality disorder until the age of 18, you can still see things happening in her little mind.  She is having a lot of issues in school, is always in trouble and is very sensative.  I am looking for some guidance and help to get her the help she deserves and so cleary needs and is crying out for. I think domestic violence is playing a role in how she feels and her perception of life. 

 

Borderline Personality Disorder

By Delialah FalconΙMay 2, 2012

 

AAAPrint

Borderline personality disorder is a condition that affects both men and women, although it is more prevalent in women. Individuals with borderline personality disorder display long-term patterns of behavior that is considered unstable and significantly interferes with their ability to maintain relationships with others. They are often impulsive, irrational and quick to anger.

Definition

Borderline personality disorder, also known as BPD, is a condition that affects an individual’s ability to maintain normal functioning relationship with other people. The condition causes turbulent emotions and patterns of unstable behavior that persist for long periods of time. Borderline personality disorder is marked by impulsive behaviors that result in an unstable pattern of interaction between the individual suffering from the condition and others in his or her life. The pattern occurs in all aspects of the individual’s life; at home, work, with friends, among family members and in personal relationships.

• Symptoms

Individuals who suffer from BPD often have a low self-esteem, a high level of insecurity and are generally uncertain about their own personal identity. This often results in them having rapidly changing values, interests and feelings towards others.
Individuals with BPD have a difficult time looking at situations with an open mind. They generally have extreme viewpoints in which there is no grey area; everything is clearly black or white. Their opinions of and feelings towards others changes rapidly, one day expressing the highest praise of an individual and the next day spewing words of anger and contempt. This is especially true of their relationship with a significant other.
Many individuals with borderline personality disorder have a very difficult time staying in loving relationships because of their extreme behaviors. One day they may hold their loved one on the highest pedestal while they profess their undying love, the nest day they spend every free minute of the day criticizing, cursing, pointing blame and showing anger. Because of these rapidly shifting emotions, their relationships are usually rocky and intense.
Common symptoms seen in individuals suffering from BPD include:

• Frequent displays of anger
• Difficulty controlling anger
• Engaging in physical confrontations
• Impulsiveness
• Never wanting to be left alone
• Unstable self-image
• Emotional instability
• Irritability
• Anxiety
• Quickly switching opinions of others
• Extreme opinions
• Sudden and dramatic change in their opinions of others

Many individuals with borderline personality disorder often display extreme behaviors such as:

• Binge Eating
• Shoplifting
• Self-injury
• Overdosing
• Suicidal behavior or threats

Individuals with this condition frequently change their goals and aspirations. They may experience multiple career changes, may go through friends quickly, or change their sexual orientation often.

Causes

There is no known cause identified for borderline personality disorder. Genetic, social, biological, family, psychological and environmental factors are all possible causes for the development of the condition. Because the condition is present in more women than men, there has been some speculation that hormonal factors may be at play.
To date, no studies have been able to clearly identify a link between hormones and the development of BPD. More research needs to be conducted on the subject. There are some risks factors that may put people at risk for the condition, including:

• Being abandoned as a child or teenager
• Coming from a severely dysfunctional family
• Having normal childhood disrupted
• Lack of or limited communication among family as a child
• Being a victim of sexual abuse as a child

Borderline personality disorder commonly occurs in individuals who are patients in psychiatric hospitals. People who suffer from the condition have a slightly greater risk of passing the condition onto their children.

Diagnostic Testing

There are no specific medical tests that can diagnose the condition. A psychological evaluation conducted by a trained mental health specialist is required to diagnose borderline personality disorder. A licensed psychologist or psychiatrist will evaluate the individual and inquire about life history and presenting symptoms.

Treatment Options

The most common treatment options for BPD are psychotherapy and medication. Psychotherapy in the form of counseling, or talk therapy, is often highly successful in treating the condition. Some individuals will gain additional benefits from participating in a group therapy or group counseling session.
Psychiatrists may prescribe medications to help reduce mood swings, alleviate depression and control erratic behaviors. Both psychotherapy and medication require long-term treatment methods.
Many times, a combination of individual counseling, group therapy and medication is used to achieve maximum results. Medication is generally used as a last resort if psychotherapy is not effective, or in individuals who suffer from severe symptoms.

Considerations

Borderline personality disorder is a serious condition that can have detrimental effects on all areas of an individual’s life. The condition can significantly interfere with a person’s ability to maintain normal relationships with others. If left untreated, BPD can result in depression, drug use and suicidal thoughts or tendencies.
Speak with your health care provider immediately if you believe you or a loved one may be suffering from borderline personality disorder. Effective treatment options are available to help with the condition.