Domestic Violence: Freedom Gives Hope, Hope Gives Freedom

Nina W. Brown, Ed.D., L.P.C., N.C.C.

This article appeared in Paradigm, the journal of Illinois Institute for Addiction Recovery (Fall, 2002). It is reprinted with the permission of the author and of Paradigm.

Parental destructive narcissism can have significant and deep-seated effects on their children and these effects can persist into adulthood. What is most troubling for many of these adult children of self-absorbed parents is that they feel something is wrong but cannot identify what it is. They may be angry and frustrated with their parents, while at the same time yearning for their parents to be different — to love and appreciate them. Some may avoid their parents or dread interaction of all kinds with the parent. Some may try to behave as an adult only to quickly regress to an earlier parent-child state when in the presence of their parents or display a whole host of other distressing and uncomfortable behaviors and feelings. Worse is that these adults don't recognize the negative effects of the parental destructive narcissism on their self-esteem, self-concept, interpersonal relationships and life satisfaction. They are affected in masked, hidden and unconscious ways that are not easily identified. These topics along with strategies for helping adult children of destructive narcissists cope with the lasting effects on them and the continuing attitudes and behaviors of their parents are the focus for Children of the Self-absorbed: A Grownup's Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents (Brown, 2001). This article will explore identification of a parental destructive narcissistic pattern (DNP), describe some effects of the DNP on children and discuss healthy adult narcissism.

Destructive narcissism is defined as a pattern of behaviors and attitudes reflective of pathological narcissism but the behaviors and attitudes are fewer and/or less intense. Nevertheless, these behaviors and attitudes are troubling to others who are in a relationship with this person and/or have to interact with the person on a regular basis. The pattern of behaviors and attitudes are such that others experience considerable frustration, anger and feelings of incompetence; these individuals are blamed, criticized, devalued and demeaned in their relationships and/or interactions with the person suffering from a DNP. Destructive narcissism is a cluster of behaviors and attitudes — not just one or two distressing behaviors or attitudes. It is through your reactions to the person over time, which is validated by others who have similar reactions, that you can begin to identify someone with a destructive narcissistic pattern.

It can be difficult to identify your parent as displaying a DNP as you have experienced their behaviors and attitudes since birth and internalized them — you do not know any other way of experiencing your parent. As you read this article, allow yourself to remember your parent's behaviors and attitudes, your feelings and reactions and compare these with the information presented here.

The "Parentified" Child

One way to identify a parental DNP is to determine if you were a parentified child.

Parents are expected to take care of their children and facilitate their growth and development toward becoming separate and distinct individuals. Many parents assume responsibility for the child's physical, emotional and psychological well-being while also allowing the child to become independent and autonomous in preparation for adulthood. However, there are some parents who do not assume the parental role, but instead, put the responsibility for personal emotional and psychological well-being on their child. This situation results in what is known as a "parentified" child. The child is in the parent's role instead of the reverse.

Read the following questions and see if any fit your experiences with your parent.

Were you made to feel responsible for your parent s feelings, well-being and/or general welfare?

Did your parent seem to be indifferent or ignore your feelings much of the time?

Were you frequently blamed, criticized, devalued and/or demeaned?

When your parent was upset or displeased, were you the target of his or her negative feelings?

Did you feel that you were constantly trying to please your parent only to fall short much or all of the time (i.e. you could never please him or her)?

Do you recall hearing one or both parents say any of the following?

• "Don’t you want me to feel good?"

• "You make me feel like a failure when you do"

• "You ought to care about me."

• "I feel like a good parent when someone praises you."

• "If you cared about me, you would do what I want you to."

If you frequently experienced these feelings and events or heard these or similar remarks from your parent while growing up, you may be a parentified child and your parent may have a DNP.

The parentified child is a good example of having a parent with a destructive narcissistic pattern. There are some behaviors and attitudes that persons with a parental DNP can exhibit. Review the following and see how many characteristics apply

One or both of your parents:

• constantly sought attention and admiration

• wanted to be considered unique and special

• tried, or did, exploit others

• lacked empathy

• was emotionally abusive

• gave orders and expected immediate obedience

• had an inflated self-perception

• was arrogant or contemptuous

• exhibited an entitlement attitude

Did you feel that your parents never thought you were good enough? If you spoke of your parents insensitivity to your feelings, were you made to feel ungrateful. wrong, shamed or guilty? Did a parent almost always remind you of what he or she was sacrificing for you and you should show some appreciation? If any of these strike a chord, you may want to consider that you are the adult child of a parent who has a destructive narcissistic pattern. These are but a few of such behaviors and attitudes, and you can gain more understanding of these and others from Children of the Self-Absorbed (Brown, 2001) and The Destructive Narcissistic Pattern (Brown, 1998).

Responses To Being Parentifled

There are two major responses that parentified children have; the "compliant" response and the "siege" response.

The compliant response is illustrated when you, as an adult:

• spend a great deal of your time taking care of others

• are constantly alert about acting in a way to please others

• are very conforming

• feel responsible for the feelings, care and welfare of others

• tend to be self-depreciating

• rush to maintain harmony and to soothe others feelings

• seldom get your needs met

The compliant response is a continuation of how you acted as a child — when you were expected to take care of your parents. You are continuing to act out these behaviors and attitudes in your relationships, but don't seem to be able to have a relationship where your needs are met.

The siege response is one of defiance, rebellion, withdrawal and/or insensitivity. You work hard to prevent being manipulated by others, getting engulfed or enmeshed by others demands and feelings, assuming responsibility for others welfare and emotional well-being and from feeling diminished when you do not meet others expectations. In short, even though you are an adult, you are reacting to others as if they were your parents who expected and demanded that you meet their expectations. You decided at some point that you did not want to comply with your parents wishes and demands. You were trying to become separate and independent and had to fight hard to overcome being parentified. You are still fighting that battle with others in your life and this is negatively impacting your other relationships.

 

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