Domestic Violence: Freedom Gives Hope, Hope Gives Freedom

　

PARENTAL ALIENATION SYNDROME

Reena Sommer, Ph.D.

rsommer@shaw.ca

The Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) is a burden that a child is forced to bear when one parent fails to recognize their child's strong need to love and be loved by the other parent"

Parental Alienation Syndrome: The Problem

The Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) is the extreme end of a custody battle gone "real bad". PAS is a most negative consequence of an increasing number of high conflict divorces. In these cases, children become the victims of a relentless and destructive "tug of war" between their parents. It is a war that children cannot win or defend themselves against. It is a war where the "enemy" (the alienating parent) is someone whom the children dearly love and depend upon for their needs to be met.

For children, PAS is about loss, insecurity, fear, confusion, sadness, hopelessness and despair. In fact, some experts consider PAS to be a form of child abuse because:

it robs children of the security that the bond they once shared with the targeted parent

􀂃

it embeds in children’s minds falsehoods about the targeted parent that are injurious to their own psyche and their sense of self (i.e., "Mom/Dad never really loved you"; "Mom/Dad is dangerous"; "Mom/Dad has done inappropriate things to you")

􀂃

the process of aligning children against the targeted parent often involves threats, lies, manipulations, deprivation and even physical abuse

　

For the alienating parents, PAS can have several motivators such as:

feeling betrayed or rejected by the targeted parent

􀂃

revenge

􀂃

jealously

􀂃

fear

􀂃

insecurity

􀂃

anger

􀂃

money – using the children as a pawn to get a better divorce settlement

　

Defining Parental Alienation Syndrome

The Parental Alienation Syndrome has been variously defined. But here is the definition I tend to rely upon because it is based on my observations of and experiences with divorcing families:

"The Parental Alienation Syndrome is the deliberate attempt by one parent (and/or guardian/significant other) to distance his/her children from the other parent and in doing so, the parent engages the children in the process of destroying the affectional ties and familial bonds that once existed..."

The alienating process develops over time and the distancing between the children and the targeted that occurs includes some or all of the following features:

􀂃

The alienating parent speaks badly or demeans the targeted parent directly to the children - the disparaging comments made by the alienating parent to their children about the targeted parent can be implicit ("I am not sure I will be able to afford to send you to camp because "Mom" or "Dad" does not realize how much you enjoy it") or explicit ("Mom/Dad" left us because he/she never cared enough about you to keep our family together").

􀂃

The alienating parent speaks badly or demeans the targeted parent to others in the presence (or within audible distance) of the children.

􀂃

The alienating parent discusses with the children the circumstances under which the marriage broke down and blames the targeted parent for its failure.

􀂃

The alienating parent exposes the children to the details of the parents' ongoing conflict, financial problems and legal proceedings.

􀂃

The alienating parent blames the targeted parent for changes in life style, any current hardships; his/her negative emotional state and inability to function as before and conveys this to the children.

􀂃

Allegations of sexual, physical and emotional abuse of children are often made.

􀂃

Alienated children come to know that in order to please the alienating parent, they must turn against the targeted parent.

These features exemplify the diagnostic criterion set out by the late Dr. Richard Gardner in his discussion of the Parental Alienation Syndrome. Dr. Gardner’s early writings are now supported by empirical research on PAS conducted by numerous academics, thus adding credence to PAS’s validity and existence. Nevertheless, there are some who have chosen to misinterpret Dr. Gardner’s writings by suggesting that he advocated pedophilia and placing children at risk with their abusers. This clearly is not true since Dr. Gardner stipulates in his papers that allegations of abuse that are frequently made in custody disputes must have no prior history, nor upon investigation are they to be found to have any basis. These types of criticisms are reflective of misguided thinking, ignorance and an ideological perspective that is extremely narrow and resistant to reason.